Christmas Eve morning

This mountainous region beckons me home. Hills laden with trees. Blue sky that will soon be a canopy of stars. The river, teaming with rapids, flows alongside this highway that will soon lead me to the family that has been anxiously awaiting my arrival all morning.

Broken

I said, break my heart if that's what You have to do. You listened, and that's what You're doing. So why do I keep stuffing these pebbles in my pockets, when You've promised that if I would only empty my hands and stretch out my arms, You would be there, ready to fill the void.

This is where I am.

Broken and broken-hearted. Trying to decipher a meaning for all of this, most importantly, YOUR meaning for this. My arms are open wide, longing for a comforting hug that can only from the Father.

Meet me here tonight, Lord. I desperately need You.

Surrender

You really do know what You're doing. You've got this under control. I will rest in that tonight and every night for the rest of my life and I will proclaim it daily if that's what it takes.
Even when problems prevail and it seems there's no possible solution. Even when life is hard and emotions run rampant. Even when something happens that I don't like or You do something that I think I could do better. You are in control. Not me.

This is surrender. This is laying down my life to the One who gave me life in the first place. This is realizing that this life IS NOT ABOUT ME. This is about being kind when people are hateful. This is about finding constant joy in the Lord despite the current circumstance.

"But the end of all things is at hand; therefore by serious and watchful in your prayers. And above all things have fervent love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sings. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling." ~ 1 Peter 4:7-9

slaying dragons vs cold feet

when will I forego these dreams
this idle hope that you will
do something
anything
instead of sitting back and letting this, letting me, pass you by

Done

I am extremely self absorbed. There's no way around it. It's who I am; it's who I fear I'll always be. Today pretty much sucked at work and I let it get to me to the point I was on the verge of tears. Instead of focusing on the positive and trying to change things, I got overwhelmed and started sulking. Why do I always do this? Why do I think the world revolves around me? Here I am throwing myself a pity party WHILE I'm checking in a patient who found out she has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. If anyone should have been feeling crumby, it should have been her.

Why do I care so stinkin' much what people think of me? The world will not end if someone doesn't like me. Gosh, I wish I could just be normal and not always be awkward and annoying and emotional.

Things that matter

Wise words from Bri: I wouldn't want to be somebody's 'type'. If I was their type, I wouldn't want to be with them.

This took me a few minutes to digest, but once I did, I understood and realized - I wouldn't want to be someone's 'type' either. For example, assuming I were blond and beautiful, I'd feel pretty lame dating a guy who "loves" beautiful blond perfect women. How would I ever exceed his expectations? I'd meet the standard, rather than set it. As luck would have it, I'm neither blond nor perfectly beautiful, so this is not something I have to worry about.

This got me to thinking and I've decided that I don't think I'm anyone's 'type' either. I feel like I have the ability to be multiple people (and no, I don't have schizophrenia). I'd just like to believe that I'm adaptable and that maybe, just maybe, someday I'll exceed someone's expectations. Sure I'm sarcastic, prideful, insecure and fearful at times, but when I love, I do it with all my heart. And I'd like to think that's what matters.

Here it is: The entry you've all been waiting for...

God has been placing some amazing people in my life... singles ministry, what! All joking aside, I sometimes wish I could put joking aside, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. I love sarcasm. I love sarcastic people. I love inside jokes. I love awkward humor. Why? I don't know. I'd like to think that it's because God made me this way, but would God really make a person sarcastic on purpose? Or am I selfishly using sarcasm to boost my own confidence because I enjoy making people laugh and I like to laugh - way to kill 2 birds with one stone, right?

On an entirely different note... you know how Anne Shirley (in Anne of Green Gables) felt about her red hair? Well, that's how I feel about my freckles. I think at one point in the movie she said, "I thought nothing could be as bad as red hair. Green is ten times worse." While she was referring to her green hair, she could have just as easily been referring to either her freckles or mine.

Tomorrow I'm hiking Mt. Scott (@ Crater Lake) with some friends. Looking forward to hanging out with new friends and hiking again, since I haven't been for at least a month. Bring on the adventure!

Nights like this make me dream of things yet to be

Mom and Dad are here visiting, so we went out for a night on the town. We started with dinner at the House of Thai in Ashland where we were second-hand seranaded by a quartet of obnoxious men. They were actually singing to the table next to us. I wish with all my heart that I could have enjoyed their boisterous crooning, but something about rambunctious, overly zealous, noisy men prancing around while I try to eat Pad Thai and Yellow Curry makes me a little nauseous. On the positive side: it was certainly a meal that neither I nor my family will forget.

Next we made our way to Paddington Station, just as they were about to close. I finally broke down and bought the decorative fall leaves to hang on the living room wall. I think they'll be a nice complement to the Autumn in Paris picture we currently have adornign the wall.

Finally, to top off an already lovely evening - we treated ourselves to Gelato. The nice girl serving us even gave us a brief history of gelato, which was nice for Mom and Dad since they're from "the country" as we affectionately call the small coastal town in which they reside.

When we got back to my house we sat out in the backyard, under the light of the silvery FULL moon. It was nice to catch up, even though we talk on the phone everyday. There's something comforting about speaking in person. The sky was beautiful. It reminded me of how much I love cloudy nights, the versatility of an unclear sky. It reminded me of all the things I want to do - night hiking, sleeping under the stars, staying up all night simply to watch the sunrise.

In the multitude of words...

Tact, I agree, is a good thing. But it's not something I always use. It's not that I try to be awkward and offensive, it just comes out that way sometimes. It's never my intention to sound cynical and pessimistic, it just sort of happens. These may sound like excuses, and maybe they are, but I can honestly, unabashedly say right now that sometimes I get tired of sugar coating my words. Why beat around the bush when you can grab a machete and blunder your way through it?

My conviction rests in Proverbs 10:19: "In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise."

I don't restrain my lips. In fact, I seem to do quite the opposite. I'll impose my opinion on just about any subject to just about anyone, without any thought of how it may affect those around me.

I know I need to change, but my flesh, my pride, won't let me. Lord, this is where YOU come in. This is where I let go and You take over and change my heart. How I long to have the countenance of a quiet and gentle spirit! How I long to be a woman who chooses her words wisely, who allows the Lord to speak mightily through here, who listens for the still, small voice even if it takes hours or days.

This is what I've come to realize: Sin is not lacking in my life, You are. I have been so caught up in doing and going and being, that I fail to take time out to pray and read my bible. Forgive me, Lord. Place Godly desires in my heart. Cleanse me of my selfishness and pride. Convict me when I speak out of turn or say something that doesn't need to be said.

After a short haitus and a computer virus, it is time to return to the wonderful world of blogging. Here's an update on my life as of late.

Sarah, our new roommate, moved in a couple of weeks ago. She's awesome and so much fun!!! We've been decorating up a storm. The new photograph hanging on the wall is beckoning me to jump in, Mary Poppins' style, and explore Paris in the fall. Oh, how I would love to walk, hand-in-hand (if I had someone's hand to hold), down the tree-lined pathway covered in a quilt of fallen leaves. Autumn is most definitely my favorite of the 4 seasons. The colors, the crisp, sometimes biting air, sweaters, hot chocolate, conversations by the fireplace.

Work is work. I keep feeling that God has put me here on the earth to do more than work monday through friday, nine to five. At the same time, I don't want to discount the fact that He has me where I am right now for a reason. However, if it were up to me, I'd sell all I own, buy a VW van, pack my sleeping bag, guitar and camera, and travel across this great country. I'd stop to take pictures of God's amazing creation. I'd write poetry about the rustling leaves and purple mountains majesty. I'd play my guitar and sing at the top of my lungs as the sun set over distant hills.

Bri came to visit last week. It was SO GOOD to see her. While I'm excited to see where God is taking her, I feel like part of my heart is missing when she is away. I feel blessed beyond belief that the Lord has given me such amazing friends. If only they would stay put, so we could all hang out more than once every 3 months. :)

When did 'friend' become a verb?

Friend as a noun: Leah is my friend.

Friend as an adverb/adjective: Chelsey is friendly.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, friend as a verb: You friended her mom? On Facebook? How does that even work?

Oh, what a night!

I'm deinitely enjoying this break in the weather. I'll take cloud-covered skies over thousand degree weather any day. A couple of nights ago, however, I sensed a storm was-a-brewin'. So I decided to light a candle, in case the power went out.

There I was, sitting, lighting a match, when - SNAP! The match broke, and conveniently fell on my bare leg. I freaked. I brushed the flames off my leg and onto the bathroom rug. Then, like the madwoman that I am, turned on the sink faucet, cupped my hands underneath, and dumped heaps of water on that little flame. Once the fire was out, I cried. Hard. For a ridiculously long time.

After I stopped crying, I tried to fall asleep, but was suddenly awoken with the urge to regurge... all the food I had ate before church. Suffice it to say, I may never eat salsa or string cheese again. Just the thought...

I spent the rest of the night curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor. I covered myself with bathroom towels since I was too crippled to get a blanket from my bed. Vomiting is not something I enjoy doing, but I seemed to be an all-star at the sport last night.

The next morning I woke up and went to the doctor. They did an abdominal x-ray and decided to refer to me to a Gastro doc (it may take weeks to get in). I'm trying to stay positive and think that everything will be okay, but part of me is a little worried because I have been having so many issues that don't seem to be resolving.

Lucky for me, Chelsey drove 3 hours to play nurse and take care of me. God sure blessed me with amazing friends. I spent most of the weekend lounging around watching movies which is really really out of the ordinary for me. I'm still not feeling too swell, but there's no need to throw a pity party, right?

And on a much more exciting note, our new roommate finally moved in after months of anticipation. So exciting. She is super cool - she plays the guitar and seems to have a great sense of humor - what else does a person need? :)

If life has background music, playing your song, I've gotta be honest, I tried to escape you, but the orchestra plays on...

It never fails. I go to the grocery in a semi-contemplative mood and as soon as I walk in the door, my ears are bombarded with sappy, cheesy love songs. The first time this happened, I tried to ignore Boyz II Men as they were singing "I'll Make Love to You" while I compared the sugar content of different cereals. The second time, however, I started to wonder if someone @ Albertson's had it out for my mental well-being. I usually love Boyz II Men, just not that particular song. And lately I'm not in the mood for love songs - no matter how happy or sad.

I go to the grocery store alone and I leave alone. And I'm okay with that, really. But honestly, I'm at the store because I need to buy food, not be reminded of all the pseudo-happy people in their mediocre relationships. Sing me a song about the amazing sale on boneless chicken breasts or how really great the orange juice is on aisle 9, not your sex life or lackthereof.

Tonight I decided to try Safeway instead of Albertsons, thinking I would have better luck. Bad idea. First off, the produce selection is horrible and second, Bryan Adams was belting out "Please Forgive Me." Oh Bryan, you don't really mean that.. My cynicism strikes again.

Maybe the heart of the issue is that I'm secretly longing for someone to sing me a song - and mean what they say. Maybe I'm tired of reading books about all the great things I can do as a single. Maybe I just want someone to fall, really fall, in love with me - and stay that way forever. I KNOW KNOW KNOW that only God can satisify my deepest longings and desires. This isn't new information; it's been engrained in my head for as long as I can remember and it still doesn't change the fact that I desperately want to meet the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. God created man - and woman - in his image. He saw that it was not good for man to be alone, so He gave him a helper. What do I have, but peace that God is in control and that He will orchestrate an amazing love story when it's the right time. Until then...

This is all for You!

Why do we waste so much time on meaningless things? Why do we say that God is our everything, that we give Him everything, when in reality, we have a tight deathgrip on many, many things in our lives? What are we so afraid of?

God has promised to never leave nor forsake us. He has promised to be faithful to complete the good work He began in us. He has promised to work all things for good to those who love Him. You love Him, right? You trust him, right? Then why do you keep holding on to things He has asked to give to Him. God will never lead you astray. Instead He will guide and direct you. HE WILL KEEP YOU IN PERFECT PEACE IF YOUR MIND IS FOCUSED ON HIM. So stop worrying. Have no fear. The creator of the universe has it all under control. Here's your chance to lay all your burdens at His feet. Here's your opportunity to cast your cares on the Lord. He will sustain you. He will never permit the righteous to be moved.

If you are not in perfect peace right now, than maybe you are doing something that is out of His will. Or maybe He is using this time to cause you to draw nearer and nearer to Him. Continue seeking His guidance and you will not be led astray. Take hold of the truth that He is impressing on your heart. He loves you so much and wants to bless you, but you have to be willing to truly surrender everything to Him.

Todd Lake, not for the faint of mosquito repellent

What started out as a stroll along pristine Todd Lake, proved to be a trek through the mud and a battle with mosquitoes.

I’ve read about Todd Lake in hiking guides and checked out pictures on the internet. Visually, we could not have asked for a more photo-worthy hike. The water was still, the morning sun rose over mountains, illuminating the solitaire kayaker. The meadow was full of wildflowers – purples, reds and yellows exploded against the deep green of the dewy, morning grass. From a distance, all was well.

We were greeted by a hiker listening to roaring, obnoxious music – a bitter contrast to the silence we are so accustomed to. We opted to go the opposite way of the obnoxious hiker went and started our journey around Todd Lake.

The mosquitoes must have gotten wind of our arrival, because no sooner had we started to hike, they were swarming viciously. “We should’ve brought the bug spray,” Dad said, as I scurried past him.

“Eh, we’ll be okay. We’re tough,” I tried to sound convincing, but it came out sounding more like a question.

We hiked at a steady pace, stopping only momentarily to take pictures of Mt. Bachelor rising over the tree line. This was our first mistake. Faster than I could take a picture, 2 mosquitoes attached themselves to my middle and ring finger. They were relentless, despite my incessant swatting. After that, I decided that I would have to be much quicker when taking pictures.

After a few minutes of hiking in the woods, we came to the meadow that had once looked so beautiful. Up close, however, we could see the grass was intermingled with bouts of mud. Muddy mud interwoven with small streams. This isn’t your grandma’s mud. This was the real deal. What’s a hike if you don’t get dirty, though, I thought to myself. [The answer: a stroll.]

Despite the factors warring against us, all I could do was laugh at the irony and our lack of preparedness. We continued onward [we had no other choice]. If we slowed down for one second, the mosquitoes would attack. If we tried to hurry, we’d most likely end up face planting in the mud. Neither of those things sounded like fun. So we walked… until we reached dry ground. Ah, relief. Dirt - stability in its finest form. We meandered again through the trees and ultimately found ourselves back at our starting point, the car, where we were once again greeted by obnoxious hiker blaring his obnoxious country music.

We loaded our stuff in the trunk and proceeded to drive away from the parking lot, but as we started to reverse, creepy obnoxious hiker man tapped on the driver’s side window. Oh Lord, I prayed, please don’t let him try to kill us. There is no one around to see us. No one will notice we are missing for hours.

“Your trunk’s open,” he smiled as if he were really trying to say something else. I hopped out of the car and shut the trunk and hiker man came around the back of our car. “Eh, you got a lighter or a match or something I can use?” Something you can use for what, I’m thinking. “Nope, sorry.” And that was that.

We're having a heat wave!

What's up with the incessant heat? It's gotta be nearing 200 degrees outside. It's days like this that make me yearn for the bitterly cold days of Winter. I can see it now - me, bundled up in a down comforter, sipping hot chocolate out of a large coffee mug, wearing flannel pajamas (because who doesn't love flannel at any time of the year?), longing to be warmed by a fireplace, shivering in the cold because I can't afford heat since I used all my money paying for the A/C in the summer.

You'd think I'd be eating ice cream for dinner to cool myself down, but all day I've been craving tortellin's and keilbasa. So that's what I made for dinner. I really don't enjoy eating alone. Food is meant to be shared. It's too bad all my friends are sharing food with a significant other or eating in a different state.

Lately I've decided that I really like grocery shopping. It's so much more enjoyable when you actually use the food that you buy, as opposed to letting it sit in the fridge and mold.

Tonight, and the rest of my life, I want to live for YOU

You know how we all say we would do anything for God, but then we complain and agonize when things don't seem to be going our way, when we're stuck in, what we consider, a mediocre, unfulfilling job.

For my entire life, I've reassured God (like He really needed my reassurance)that I would do anything and go anywhere that He wanted to send me. Mexico. China. Zimbabwe. Canada. Los Angeles. Call me and I will go. Ha! I've spend the majority of my life wondering if I was outside of God's will because I just didn't seem to be doing big things for the Lord. Why am I still in the Rogue Valley if there are unsaved people in India?

And then today, God spoke SO intensely to me that I could not doubt any longer that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Living in Talent, OR, working 9-5 at a doctors office in Medford, serving at the Ashland Christian Fellowship. God has placed me at Oregon Surgical Specialists for a reason: to save lost souls! How could I have not realized this the first day I got the job a little over a year ago? Why did it take me 365 days of grumbling and complaining, soul searching, agonzing, questioning God, to finally realize that THIS IS GOD'S WILL FOR MY LIFE right now. Maybe in a month I'll be somewhere else, but for June 29, 2009, I finally feel like I am where I belong. How refreshing it is to rest in God's plan instead of fretting over fulfilling my own. If God wants me to get my Masters in Teaching - cool. If God wants to hook me up with an amazing husband - I'm ready. If God wants me to keep working at OSS for the next 30 years so that 1 person might be saved - bring it on! I'm up for anything as long as the Lord is behind it.

Lord,
Thank you SO SO SO much for speaking into my life. Thank you for direction and times of searching. Thank you for when my heart is overflowing with joy and love and thank you for the droughts that draw me closer to You.

Time for a Change

"Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one." ~Colossians 4:6

"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." ~Ephesians 4:29

"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world." ~Philippians 2:14-15

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us." ~2 Corinthians 4:7

I'm starting to feel that God is calling me to lay aside my sarcasm. I tend to use it to: a)keep people at a distance -or- b)make people laugh at any expense. When I distance myself from other people I am not allowing myself to be open to great things, amazing people God has for me. When I make people laugh, I am ultimately glorifying myself.

I want to have sarcasm-free, God-glorifying, edifying, uplifting, conversations with everyone I meet. I want to talk to you, coffee in hand, about things that matter, things that will last. Friendship, eternal life, the salvation of souls.

Lord, I pray that you would use my life. Change me. Take away the sarcastic humor that I have so long prided myself in. Empty me. Be the words I speak.

Morning Worship

Morning worship has been good for my soul. There's something so motivating about starting off the day with the Lord. Friday morning proved to have that same affect. The worship leader played, "Amazing Love" and everytime he would go back to the chorus, my heart overflowed with joy and excitement. "In all I do, I honor You" are the words that convict me over and over again. Am I really honoring the Lord in ALL I do?

This has got to be a lifestyle. I can no longer pick and choose which areas of my life I will honor God with. Everything I do/say/think needs to be a reflection of Godly character and purity. God gave me this life in the first place. I will do everything I can to honor Him. But I may need to be reminded once in a while, so if you're my friend and you're reading this, feel free to call out my sin and remind me that God is my reason for living, breathing, working, singing, etc.

Constant Joy; Unconditional Love

"Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My judgements and do them. Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; you shall be My people and I will be your God." ~ Ezekiel 36:25-28

Lord, please remove this heart stone. Rip it out. Do what You have to do. I'm ready to rid myself of all that is distracting me from growing closer to You. Nothing in this world is as satisfying as just a few minutes in Your presense. You are all I need.

Let my joy be constant. No more of this roller coaster emotion. You are always the same; You never change. Remind me of that. Remind me when I'm down in the dumps, when things don't go my way, when people frustrate me and hurt my feelings. Remind me when things are going great, when the sun is shining and life is good.

The point of all this is You. You're the reason I wake up in the morning. You're the reason I go to work each day. You're the reason I have the friends I have, sing the songs I sing, breathe the air I breathe. You're bigger than everything that is going on around me. You love me more than anyone can or ever will. Let me rest in that tonight. Let me proclaim Your love to the masses. Use my life, Lord.

"We'll never be ready if we keep waiting...

for the perfect time to come." ~ Never Be Ready, Mat Kearney

I want to know that I'm beautiful, that I'm worth fighting for. I want you to help guard my heart and esteem me above all others. I want to be a mystery that you would do anything to solve.

Protect me, challenge me, reassure me.

I may be scared of just about everything, but I don't want to stay that way forever. Don't be afraid to push me and spur me on toward trying new things.

Lead me, guide me, teach me.

Let's read our bibles, volunteer to hang out with the elderly, play our guitars. Let's go star-gazing, hiking, canoeing, camping.

Maybe these aren't things that sound fun to you, but to me they mean the world.

Summer's on it's way

What a fun weekend [minus Bri moving away for almost 3 months.]

Friday night, Bri, Brook and I went out to dinner with Kyla @ Habaneros, then ice cream @ Cold Stone, then karaoke @ Rumors (so sketch!) We doned cowboy hats for no reason other than because we could. On saturday morning, Bri, Brook and I made scrambled eggs, sausage, potatoes, crepes and delicious coffee. I'm getting hungry just thinking about breakfast. Only a few more hours...

The weather has been rather exciting these past few days. On saturday, I hung out on J's deck and watched the sky turn from sun to clouds to lightening and thunder to rain. We weathered the storm (pun intended!) and sat outside for around 2 hours. Today a few of us went out to the lake where it should have been warm and sunny, but because I took so long gettin' ready, dark clouds were looming overheard. This did not stop my fearless friends from jumping off rocks and swimming across the lake and back. Such drive, such determination. I, however, subtly slid my way into the lake, courtesy of the perfectly slanted semi-slimy rock and a sturdy shoulder or two to hold on to.

Praise the Lord for summer! And friends! And the outdoors!

Camping and Conversation

I love everything about camping, from making reservations and filling up the ice chest with food to setting up the tent and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows.

Give me a warm fire, a star-studded sky, good friends and some converation - and I'm set. Top it all off with an acoustic guitar and some melodic crooning and my life is complete. Oh, the simple things.

In the modern-day world of text messages, e-mail, and [insert latest form of technological communication here], genuine, heart-to-heart conversations seem to be happening less frequently. We're so preoccupied with getting from point A to B that we fail to connect with the people around us. A simple, "Hey, how's it goin'?" will not suffice. We need human interaction. We need more than commonplace rhetorical questions.

There's something so freeing about bundling up around a campfire and baring your soul to your closest friends. With only the sound of distant crickets and a gurgling stream to compete with, it's easy to surpass the mundane everyday conversations for topics more unique.

Anytime I'm outdoors I find it easier to be who I really am. There are no preconceived notions caging me in. I don't have to succumb to expecations - be to work on time, don't use that tone when talking to patients, drive the speed limit, answer the phone with a smile in your voice.

I find the wilderness inviting, invigorating, intoxicating. I find solace simply by hiking with a friend. Words don't always have to be exchanged. The silence often speaks volumes that will never be told through a Facebook comment or a mass e-mail.

Mission Accomplished

For those of you who were worried, worry no more because: Mat Kearney has been found. Well, at least his new CD was. I'd like to thank all of those who have been praying for me throughout the endeavor as I searched high and low all over this valley.

I played ULTIMATE FRISBEE for the first time in my life tonight. How could I have gone 25 years without experiencing the joy, the glory, the triumph of such a game? What a workout it was! Who needs a gym membership when you can run around Garfield Park with your friends? To top it off, Bri showed up with her youth group so I got to play some sand volleyball and sit in on some acoustic worship and a short message by the youth leader @ First B.

I'm getting pumped about the camping trip this weekend. Leah, Julie and I are headed to Silver Falls, Oregon to check out the many waterfalls adorning the park. This'll be my first big camping trip. I've been camping a couple of times before, but someone else has always planned everything. This time, I get to help plan the meals, set up the tent, start a fire (preferably not one that destroys an entire forest), pack the car, make sure we have all the utensils we need and so much more. I must say, I'm a planner. I love to plan - and I love making lists. Here's a list I'm making right now...
The Only Thing That Could Make This Camping Trip Better:
1. If Bri were coming with us

That's all the listing I have for tonight. Until we blog again...

Though miles may seperate, there's no space between our hearts

Man alive, some people know what they are doing. Write me a song that makes me cry and you've forever won my affection. Anberlin did it and now Wavorly - and now my iTunes playlist will never be the same.

"Spread the blanket on top, and I’ll turn off the lights
And we’ll gaze at the stars
With you by my side, the moon set to the right
It’s incomparable so far
I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling

Two years ago, I had no idea that you were so perfect
As we wait so long, until we join hands
You make the wait worth it

I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling

Now years down the road
Still hasn’t gotten old to sit and laugh the day away
There’s one thing you should know
My love for you grows even more every day

I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling in love

And the day that I finally can take you home
There’s no way that I’m ever, ever letting go
We’ll be ok, though miles may separate
There’s no space between our hearts
And this day, I choose to keep loving you
As if it were a choice, I can’t stop falling…"
-A Summer's Song, Wavorly

To write or not to write

My mom and her friends have this crazy idea that I should write Christian Chic Lit because, heck, I live it and who better to write than the former writing major who now works at a doctors office? What a novel idea - no pun intended.

I want to write, that is true. But I don't know if novels are really my thing. I'm the girl who starts reading ten books and maybe finishes three of them. And since my writing reflects my reading (or lack thereof), most things I write aren't more than two pages.

Oh, the sun!

My goal to become outdoorsy is working so well that I'm having a hard time being indoors for longer than 30 minute increments. It's not so bad right now, but as soon as I sit down in my cubicle tomorrow, I'll be antsy and itching to get back outside. Sun, wind, rain, hail, snow... I'll bare it all if it means breathing fresh air.

Speaking of fresh air, I got plenty of it the last two days. Went to my cousins wedding last evening in Grants Pass. It was beautiful and so awesome to see how faithful God is to bring people together. When I was younger, I didn't like weddings, but now I LOVE them. Granted, they do make me yearn for the day when I exchange vows with the man I will spend the rest of my life with. Until then, I will be faithful serving the Lord and getting to know Him more - and I will be having a blast being single and hanging out with all my single friends (since there are SO MANY of us).

On that note, when I got back from GP this afternoon (after a delicious brunch with my awesome fam), I played my guitar out in the backyard, and then decided to pull weeds in the front yard. It was quite the endeavor, as there were a lot of weeds. I find pulling weeds therapeutic. Brook soon joined me out front grading papers. Then we went to Mucho Gusto for dinner which was SO good! Then I helped her grade more papers and we listened to some old school Mariah Carey, sang at the top of our lungs and laughed until we almost cried.

All in all, it was a delightful sunday. Now on to other things like sleep.

"And I finally found that life goes on without you...

and my world still turns when you're not around."

I've decided that I should just start posting Anberlin songs as my blog. The only downfall is that sometimes lyrics aren't as captivating if not intertwined with music. Maybe it's not such a great idea.

Talk about a relaxing evening. I came home from work, took a power nap, played my guitar, ate a few chocolate chips, soft-scrubbed the bathtub, lit some candles, drank some make-shift wine (courtesy of the water faucet) out of a real wine glass, turned on some music, and took a much-deserved bubble bath. Ahhh. Afterwards, I talked to my long-lost friend Chelsey who's not really lost, but does live three hours away. Sometimes those three hours seem a lot farther than they really are. Chelsey is the amazing girl who used to sleep in the bedroom next to mine, who used to make me ice cream sundaes with smiley faces when I was sad, who would put up with me complaining about the sappy, romantic movies she would watch. While I'm so glad Chels has a great roomie, I'm a little jealous when I hear about her making chicken cordon bleu for someone other than me. :( Chels, if you're reading this: I miss you!!!

I'm going to my cousin's wedding on saturday. The last time I went to a family wedding, I CAUGHT THE COVETED BOUQUET. A lot of good that did me, huh? Thankfully, God is bigger than a bundle of flowers. I just have to keep reminding myself that. :)

May 19th

SO excited for Mat Kearney's new CD. I'd be WAY more excited if he would personally show up at my house to deliver it. Preferably when I'm home.

The night speaks words I'm afraid to admit

It’s moments like these when I miss you. When night is still and parts of the world are tucked in, sleeping peacefully, surrendering to long-awaited slumber. I like to imagine that you’re walking beside me, holding my hand, reminding me that I’m not alone, that there is nothing to fear under this canopy stars, that you are here to keep me safe.

It’s moments like these when I miss your embrace. At the end of the day, when silence and cold are settling in, I long for strong arms to wrap themselves around me, forsaking the distance that so begrudgingly ensnared its way into our lives.

Squats and lunges and treadmills - oh my!

Bri and I went to the Women with Weights class at the Y tonight. Not sure why, but we were both thinking it would be a nice little easy class to take before Salsa Aerobics. We were right - it was nice. But we were also very wrong - it kicked our butts (and knees and calves and shoulders). I will definitely go back. I loved the challenge plus we got to use fit balls for part of the time. Talk about a killer ab work out. I should have abs of steel in no time. I also did 30 minutes on the treadmill last night and for 5 of those minutes, I jogged at a fairly decent pace. I realize this is no monumental feat, but for me, jogging for any amount of time is quite the achievement. At this rate, I'll be running a half marathon by the year 2012, if I'm lucky. :) Working out consistently is giving me so much more energy than I usually have. Surprisingly, giving up coffee isn't taking quite the toll I thought it would.

I might go to Eureka with Bri and Leah this weekend to support them as the run a half marathon. Eureka is my least favorite place that I've been to, but Bri and Leah are some of my most favorite friends so it should average out to a fun-filled weekend. Go team!

Monday, monday

I think I've died on gone to cubicle hell. If there is such a place. Row upon row of pathetic excuses for office space. What good are brand new cubicles if they don't allow you any sort of privacy? How useful are the partitions if tape doesn't stick to them and thumb tacks have to be hammered in simply to hang up a post-it note with phone numbers for other doctors offices? User friendly? I think not. A waste of company money? Very much so.

Where is the job that will let me work from my laptop as I bum around coffee shops, libraries and city parks all day? Where is the employer who will offer me freedom from doing the same thing day after day after day? Who will rescue me from this job that is slowly evaporating my personality and creativity?

Another beautiful day, another great hike

Julie, Sera and I trekked up Park St (part of it, not the whole thing, or we might have eventually rolled backwards and ended up pancakes on Siskiyou Blvd due to the incredible incline) and then explored the Oredson-Todd Trail. It's hard to believe I've lived here 4 years and I'm just starting to experience outdoor life in Ashland. Here's to challenges! Here's to friends who like to hike! Here's to the nice lady who gave us directions when we almost got lost. Almost, but not quite.

Something about being outdoors makes me SO tired afterward. Julie and Leah came over after our adventure and we made fajitas and after we ate, all I wanted to was sleep. Instead I decided to blog, but it's taking all I have to type this out. Forgive me for the lack of anything exciting to say.

Last night I had a dream that I was running in a race. It got me really excited because lately I've been wanting to start jogging/running. I just need a bit more motivation and energy... soon, though, I believe it will happen. Besides, everyone else is doing it.

Brook and I went to the Goodwill (more affectionally known as the G-Dub). I was really excited to find the book "Politically Correct Fairy Tales" and a music record with some really freaky looking guy's face on the front. He's got enviable curly chest hair with a coy smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts. I'm guessing that when the record was produced, the goal wasn't to make people laugh, but 20-30 years later, mullets are SO not in, but the smile they put on mine and my roommates are.

Here we go...

I shouldn't jinx it, but I'm really really really going to try to stop drinking coffee, for good. I've realized it's kind of been an idol in my life and anything that takes the place of God is no good, right? This is not going to be easy. But with God's help (and lots of prayer), it can be done.

I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I'm sort of weeding out a lot of things. I want to be the best woman of God that I can be. If that means not watching American Idol, throwing away some old CD's, cutting out coffee and dessert, getting rid of some clothes, learning to live a more simple life, working out more often, loving with all of my heart, not judging others, spending time with the Lord everyday instead of Facebooking, then so be it! God is WAY more important than all this other stuff. And I know I'll be way happier and more content if my life is completely aligned with His will. I don't want anything to distract me from hearing God's voice.

Something to think about.

"I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity."
~India Arie

What a beautiful day!

J, L and I went hiking/walking at Mill Creek Falls and Union Creek. It was warm and beautiful and a nice change of scenery.





We also stopped @ Beckie's Restaurant and had mushroom swiss burgers and huckleberry pie! SO good. Ah, I can't wait for summer, minus the thousand degree weather. I'm looking forward to hiking and going on some adventures this year. 'Tis the season.

How can you be anxious for nothing when you're anxious for everything?

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not. I don't want to pretend that things aren't bothering me when, in fact, they are. Why am I so easily provoked? Why do I let silly things get the best of me? Why can't I just live peaceably? I've been consumed with angst since 4 o'clock this afternoon. It hit me like a slug to the chest. Didn't I just read Philippians 4:6-7 last night? Wasn't I just reminded to "be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace that surpasses ALL understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Amen."

Guard my heart, Lord. Flood me with peace. Please please please take away these feelings of anguish, confusion, frustration and jealousy. Give me your heart for this situation and any others that will arise.

Lord, You are bigger than ALL of this. You say to meditate on things that are good and true and noble and praiseworthy - and I want to, but I need Your help.

From the depths of my soul to the heights of heaven

I went hiking through the Redwoods with my dad yesterday. I sometimes forget how truly magnanimous and breath-taking the towering trees can be, but I was reminded as we meandered along the trail that wove through dense forest and past the gurgling stream. If I could simplify my life, sell all I own, and live amongst the rolling hills and brush-laden forests,if I could survive away from society's harsh existence - the reality that things are ever-changing and will never be the same, if I could wash my clothes in the river and warm myself by a campfire every night and sleep under the stars, I would drop this facade of happiness - the hustle of the 9 to 5 workweek - in a heartbeat. I would pursue passions and dreams I never thought possible.

What is holding me back? Why do I let fear rule and reign in my life? God is SO much bigger than EVERYTHING. He created the hills and the trees, the oceans and the prairies. He created ME. He designed my heart. He gave me dreams and desires, hope and ambitions. He WILL be faithful to complete the good work He started doing in my life. He knows what makes me joyful and giddy; he knows what puts a smile on my heart and causes laughter to erupt from the depths of my soul.

Has anyone else ever loved me so much? Is it possible that anyone ever could or will? Even if it is my lot in my life to be single - I will live a life of passion. The maker of the universe has breathed life into me. Nothing can hold me back. There's a reason I am where I am at. God put me here - I will accomplish His will.

Stuck in a rut

One of my coworkers told me I need a hobby. Apparently daydreaming does not count. She recommended bird watching, which I quickly declined. Then she asked what kinds of things I like to do. I feel like it's been so long since I've had a hobby that I didn't know what to tell her.

I used to play the guitar daily. I used to draw people pictures and write stories for my friends. I used to drive around, simply to take in the beauty of Ashland and the countryside bordering Talent and Phoenix.

I used to hope. I used to dream. I used to imagine things as they could be. Now I just exist; I get by. There's nothing unique about me. I wake up in the morning, check my e-mail, shower, spend 8 hours working and feeling like I could be doing something more challenging/interesting/creative, occasionally work out, go to church, hang out with friends when time allows. There's no passion in my life. I spend my life going and doing, yet I seem to find myself discontent and bored.

I want to feel passionate about pursuing something I love. I want to find joy in creating, imagining, writing. I want to be exciting. I want to be fun.

How come a year ago at this time, all I wanted was to be working a steady monday through friday, 9 to 5 job w/ weekends off? Now that I have what I thought I wanted, I'm disappointed.

What I really want is to run through a meadow with the wind blowing my hair and the sun warming me to the deepest part of my soul. I want to float in a canoe across a lake. I want to build a campfire and feast on hot dogs and s'mores.

I want to run away. I've never done anything daring or adventurous in my life and I feel that it's high time I took some chances and stopped playing so safe. I don't think God created us to live monotonous lives.

Just friends

Why isn't this getting any easier? Why do I feel as though the distance is creeping in on me, reminding me that we are only going to continue to grow farther apart?

To everything there is a season

I seem to be entering into a season of change, so I thought, why not take inventory of all of the things I've always wanted to, but never have - I shall aptly call them: goals. Sound the trumpets!

1. Become outdoorsy: I want to do it all - go backpacking, pee in the woods, not shower for days, bathe in a lake, pitch a tent, cook food over a campfire, roast marshmallows, sleep under the stars

2. Not be afraid to meet new people/reconnect with acquaintences: My least favorite part of being human is establishing connections with complete strangers. I want to shed this fear, this insecurity. I want to love with all my heart and not be so introverted and awkward when talking to people I don't know very well.

3. Travel: Colorado, Montana, Canada, the Greek Isles, Switzerland. I want to go somewhere. I'm ready for an adventure outside the great state of Oregon. Don't get me wrong, I do love Oregon, but I am ready for a change of scenery. Along with travelling...

4. Establish a savings account that has funds in it for more than 2 months: Do I really need to say more?

5. I want to play my guitar and sing at an open mic. I want to write songs that don't rhyme. I want to not be nervous playing music in front of people other than my roommates. I want to expand my guitar-playing skills as well as my vocal abilities.

Winter

It's cold here. Really cold. The kind of cold that makes you want to put on a parka and cuddle by the fire until the middle of summer.

The heat is not on and hasn't been for days. It will probably stay this way until the beginning of next winter when the wind starts howling and the rain starts pounding on the roof overhead. The roof that has spent many a winter sheltering you from the elements; it can protect you from the rain, but it could never keep you safe from the storm that's raging in your mind or the bitterness that's brewing in your heart.

Your aching to push back the curtains and let His love shine in - let the warmth radiate to the depths of your weary, wounded soul. But you fight it.

It doesn't have to be this way - you with your calloused heart, pushing people away. Let love have it's way. Allow the Lord to shower you with the blessing, peace and comfort that only He can give.

Step out on the line. Take some risks, some dares, some chances. Fall into the arms of the One that loved and knew you before time began. His mercy will meet you where you are. Allow the Lord to move in your life. Allow Him to redecorate with peace, kindness, gentleness, longsuffering, joy, love, beauty, faith, hope and so much more.

Be it what you will, this is what it is.

She waited. Patiently. Fervently praying that God would guide her every move, direct her steps in such a way that would bring glory to the maker of the heavens and the earth. In all she did, her aim way to honor Him, the one she loved, the one worth waiting for.

He was perfect. Full of radiant life and love, He embodied the humbleness of a man who would find himself dead on a cross, only to be raised three days later - to silence all our unbelief, to wash away all our sins.

She found herself at His feet, the only place she felt she belonged. Where else could she go? No one would understand. No one knew her heart's desires like He did. No one treated her with such passion and grace. He made her feel worthy, beautiful, loved.

The love of Christ compelled her to extend grace, to spread joy and love to everyone she came into contact with. It was not easy. At times it seemed impossible. But she knew this is what she was called to do. This was her purpose.