Broken

I said, break my heart if that's what You have to do. You listened, and that's what You're doing. So why do I keep stuffing these pebbles in my pockets, when You've promised that if I would only empty my hands and stretch out my arms, You would be there, ready to fill the void.

This is where I am.

Broken and broken-hearted. Trying to decipher a meaning for all of this, most importantly, YOUR meaning for this. My arms are open wide, longing for a comforting hug that can only from the Father.

Meet me here tonight, Lord. I desperately need You.

"I would wait for you forever, if you would just ask me"

She waited.
23 days short of a year
Hoping that you would come back around
She thought if she held onto hope long enough
That you would realize what you had let go
Instead she realized that she had waited long enough

If you didn’t value her then
You most certainly weren’t going to value her now
She deserved more. You deserved to fall madly in love
She knew she was capable of loving with all of her heart
But if you could not do the same in return
You would both be settling

Preconceived notions that she would spend the rest of her life with you
Idle words that were spoken
Injected feigned truth in her life.
She struggled to find meaning, to find purpose
There were days when the very act of getting out bed was too much
What is the meaning of life if you are not a part of it

You taught her to love
She realizes now
You opened her heart so that she could experience love to its fullest potential
She no longer regrets what will never be
The 730 plus days you spent side by side
Prelude to an unforeseeable future

She will never stop loving you
The love may shift over time
But you will always remain an integral part of her life
You were there when she needed you most
And looking back now
She realizes that is what matters

Surrender

You really do know what You're doing. You've got this under control. I will rest in that tonight and every night for the rest of my life and I will proclaim it daily if that's what it takes.
Even when problems prevail and it seems there's no possible solution. Even when life is hard and emotions run rampant. Even when something happens that I don't like or You do something that I think I could do better. You are in control. Not me.

This is surrender. This is laying down my life to the One who gave me life in the first place. This is realizing that this life IS NOT ABOUT ME. This is about being kind when people are hateful. This is about finding constant joy in the Lord despite the current circumstance.

"But the end of all things is at hand; therefore by serious and watchful in your prayers. And above all things have fervent love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sings. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling." ~ 1 Peter 4:7-9

slaying dragons vs cold feet

when will I forego these dreams
this idle hope that you will
do something
anything
instead of sitting back and letting this, letting me, pass you by

Times of Refreshing

Thank you, Lord, for times of refreshing! Thank you for meeting where I am, for not leaving me in the pits of despair.

Last night Bri, Leah and I went out to Applegate for an intimate time of worship, prayer and communion. It was just what I needed. The past few weeks have been draining, both physically and emotionally, and for no particular reason other than I haven't been looking to God to sustain me. I've been putting my hope in myself which of course has only led to disappointment. Go figure.

God truly is SO good, all of the time. He's so much greater than anything this world has to offer. He is a constant in a world of ups and downs. He is a provider in a world full of need. He is ALL we need.

Done

I am extremely self absorbed. There's no way around it. It's who I am; it's who I fear I'll always be. Today pretty much sucked at work and I let it get to me to the point I was on the verge of tears. Instead of focusing on the positive and trying to change things, I got overwhelmed and started sulking. Why do I always do this? Why do I think the world revolves around me? Here I am throwing myself a pity party WHILE I'm checking in a patient who found out she has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. If anyone should have been feeling crumby, it should have been her.

Why do I care so stinkin' much what people think of me? The world will not end if someone doesn't like me. Gosh, I wish I could just be normal and not always be awkward and annoying and emotional.

Yogurt Hut

Bri and I, who both happened to be at Yogurt Hut at the same time, because we went there together, also happened to create delicious yogurty goodness that not only weighed, but cost the EXACT same amount. What are the odds, really? We weren't even trying and we didn't even use the same ingredients. Great minds think alike - that's the only solution I have for this mind-baffling equation.