Done

I am extremely self absorbed. There's no way around it. It's who I am; it's who I fear I'll always be. Today pretty much sucked at work and I let it get to me to the point I was on the verge of tears. Instead of focusing on the positive and trying to change things, I got overwhelmed and started sulking. Why do I always do this? Why do I think the world revolves around me? Here I am throwing myself a pity party WHILE I'm checking in a patient who found out she has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. If anyone should have been feeling crumby, it should have been her.

Why do I care so stinkin' much what people think of me? The world will not end if someone doesn't like me. Gosh, I wish I could just be normal and not always be awkward and annoying and emotional.

Things that matter

Wise words from Bri: I wouldn't want to be somebody's 'type'. If I was their type, I wouldn't want to be with them.

This took me a few minutes to digest, but once I did, I understood and realized - I wouldn't want to be someone's 'type' either. For example, assuming I were blond and beautiful, I'd feel pretty lame dating a guy who "loves" beautiful blond perfect women. How would I ever exceed his expectations? I'd meet the standard, rather than set it. As luck would have it, I'm neither blond nor perfectly beautiful, so this is not something I have to worry about.

This got me to thinking and I've decided that I don't think I'm anyone's 'type' either. I feel like I have the ability to be multiple people (and no, I don't have schizophrenia). I'd just like to believe that I'm adaptable and that maybe, just maybe, someday I'll exceed someone's expectations. Sure I'm sarcastic, prideful, insecure and fearful at times, but when I love, I do it with all my heart. And I'd like to think that's what matters.

Here it is: The entry you've all been waiting for...

God has been placing some amazing people in my life... singles ministry, what! All joking aside, I sometimes wish I could put joking aside, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. I love sarcasm. I love sarcastic people. I love inside jokes. I love awkward humor. Why? I don't know. I'd like to think that it's because God made me this way, but would God really make a person sarcastic on purpose? Or am I selfishly using sarcasm to boost my own confidence because I enjoy making people laugh and I like to laugh - way to kill 2 birds with one stone, right?

On an entirely different note... you know how Anne Shirley (in Anne of Green Gables) felt about her red hair? Well, that's how I feel about my freckles. I think at one point in the movie she said, "I thought nothing could be as bad as red hair. Green is ten times worse." While she was referring to her green hair, she could have just as easily been referring to either her freckles or mine.

Tomorrow I'm hiking Mt. Scott (@ Crater Lake) with some friends. Looking forward to hanging out with new friends and hiking again, since I haven't been for at least a month. Bring on the adventure!

Nights like this make me dream of things yet to be

Mom and Dad are here visiting, so we went out for a night on the town. We started with dinner at the House of Thai in Ashland where we were second-hand seranaded by a quartet of obnoxious men. They were actually singing to the table next to us. I wish with all my heart that I could have enjoyed their boisterous crooning, but something about rambunctious, overly zealous, noisy men prancing around while I try to eat Pad Thai and Yellow Curry makes me a little nauseous. On the positive side: it was certainly a meal that neither I nor my family will forget.

Next we made our way to Paddington Station, just as they were about to close. I finally broke down and bought the decorative fall leaves to hang on the living room wall. I think they'll be a nice complement to the Autumn in Paris picture we currently have adornign the wall.

Finally, to top off an already lovely evening - we treated ourselves to Gelato. The nice girl serving us even gave us a brief history of gelato, which was nice for Mom and Dad since they're from "the country" as we affectionately call the small coastal town in which they reside.

When we got back to my house we sat out in the backyard, under the light of the silvery FULL moon. It was nice to catch up, even though we talk on the phone everyday. There's something comforting about speaking in person. The sky was beautiful. It reminded me of how much I love cloudy nights, the versatility of an unclear sky. It reminded me of all the things I want to do - night hiking, sleeping under the stars, staying up all night simply to watch the sunrise.