The night speaks words I'm afraid to admit

It’s moments like these when I miss you. When night is still and parts of the world are tucked in, sleeping peacefully, surrendering to long-awaited slumber. I like to imagine that you’re walking beside me, holding my hand, reminding me that I’m not alone, that there is nothing to fear under this canopy stars, that you are here to keep me safe.

It’s moments like these when I miss your embrace. At the end of the day, when silence and cold are settling in, I long for strong arms to wrap themselves around me, forsaking the distance that so begrudgingly ensnared its way into our lives.

Squats and lunges and treadmills - oh my!

Bri and I went to the Women with Weights class at the Y tonight. Not sure why, but we were both thinking it would be a nice little easy class to take before Salsa Aerobics. We were right - it was nice. But we were also very wrong - it kicked our butts (and knees and calves and shoulders). I will definitely go back. I loved the challenge plus we got to use fit balls for part of the time. Talk about a killer ab work out. I should have abs of steel in no time. I also did 30 minutes on the treadmill last night and for 5 of those minutes, I jogged at a fairly decent pace. I realize this is no monumental feat, but for me, jogging for any amount of time is quite the achievement. At this rate, I'll be running a half marathon by the year 2012, if I'm lucky. :) Working out consistently is giving me so much more energy than I usually have. Surprisingly, giving up coffee isn't taking quite the toll I thought it would.

I might go to Eureka with Bri and Leah this weekend to support them as the run a half marathon. Eureka is my least favorite place that I've been to, but Bri and Leah are some of my most favorite friends so it should average out to a fun-filled weekend. Go team!

Monday, monday

I think I've died on gone to cubicle hell. If there is such a place. Row upon row of pathetic excuses for office space. What good are brand new cubicles if they don't allow you any sort of privacy? How useful are the partitions if tape doesn't stick to them and thumb tacks have to be hammered in simply to hang up a post-it note with phone numbers for other doctors offices? User friendly? I think not. A waste of company money? Very much so.

Where is the job that will let me work from my laptop as I bum around coffee shops, libraries and city parks all day? Where is the employer who will offer me freedom from doing the same thing day after day after day? Who will rescue me from this job that is slowly evaporating my personality and creativity?

Another beautiful day, another great hike

Julie, Sera and I trekked up Park St (part of it, not the whole thing, or we might have eventually rolled backwards and ended up pancakes on Siskiyou Blvd due to the incredible incline) and then explored the Oredson-Todd Trail. It's hard to believe I've lived here 4 years and I'm just starting to experience outdoor life in Ashland. Here's to challenges! Here's to friends who like to hike! Here's to the nice lady who gave us directions when we almost got lost. Almost, but not quite.

Something about being outdoors makes me SO tired afterward. Julie and Leah came over after our adventure and we made fajitas and after we ate, all I wanted to was sleep. Instead I decided to blog, but it's taking all I have to type this out. Forgive me for the lack of anything exciting to say.

Last night I had a dream that I was running in a race. It got me really excited because lately I've been wanting to start jogging/running. I just need a bit more motivation and energy... soon, though, I believe it will happen. Besides, everyone else is doing it.

Brook and I went to the Goodwill (more affectionally known as the G-Dub). I was really excited to find the book "Politically Correct Fairy Tales" and a music record with some really freaky looking guy's face on the front. He's got enviable curly chest hair with a coy smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts. I'm guessing that when the record was produced, the goal wasn't to make people laugh, but 20-30 years later, mullets are SO not in, but the smile they put on mine and my roommates are.

Here we go...

I shouldn't jinx it, but I'm really really really going to try to stop drinking coffee, for good. I've realized it's kind of been an idol in my life and anything that takes the place of God is no good, right? This is not going to be easy. But with God's help (and lots of prayer), it can be done.

I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I'm sort of weeding out a lot of things. I want to be the best woman of God that I can be. If that means not watching American Idol, throwing away some old CD's, cutting out coffee and dessert, getting rid of some clothes, learning to live a more simple life, working out more often, loving with all of my heart, not judging others, spending time with the Lord everyday instead of Facebooking, then so be it! God is WAY more important than all this other stuff. And I know I'll be way happier and more content if my life is completely aligned with His will. I don't want anything to distract me from hearing God's voice.

Something to think about.

"I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity."
~India Arie

What a beautiful day!

J, L and I went hiking/walking at Mill Creek Falls and Union Creek. It was warm and beautiful and a nice change of scenery.





We also stopped @ Beckie's Restaurant and had mushroom swiss burgers and huckleberry pie! SO good. Ah, I can't wait for summer, minus the thousand degree weather. I'm looking forward to hiking and going on some adventures this year. 'Tis the season.

How can you be anxious for nothing when you're anxious for everything?

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not. I don't want to pretend that things aren't bothering me when, in fact, they are. Why am I so easily provoked? Why do I let silly things get the best of me? Why can't I just live peaceably? I've been consumed with angst since 4 o'clock this afternoon. It hit me like a slug to the chest. Didn't I just read Philippians 4:6-7 last night? Wasn't I just reminded to "be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace that surpasses ALL understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Amen."

Guard my heart, Lord. Flood me with peace. Please please please take away these feelings of anguish, confusion, frustration and jealousy. Give me your heart for this situation and any others that will arise.

Lord, You are bigger than ALL of this. You say to meditate on things that are good and true and noble and praiseworthy - and I want to, but I need Your help.

From the depths of my soul to the heights of heaven

I went hiking through the Redwoods with my dad yesterday. I sometimes forget how truly magnanimous and breath-taking the towering trees can be, but I was reminded as we meandered along the trail that wove through dense forest and past the gurgling stream. If I could simplify my life, sell all I own, and live amongst the rolling hills and brush-laden forests,if I could survive away from society's harsh existence - the reality that things are ever-changing and will never be the same, if I could wash my clothes in the river and warm myself by a campfire every night and sleep under the stars, I would drop this facade of happiness - the hustle of the 9 to 5 workweek - in a heartbeat. I would pursue passions and dreams I never thought possible.

What is holding me back? Why do I let fear rule and reign in my life? God is SO much bigger than EVERYTHING. He created the hills and the trees, the oceans and the prairies. He created ME. He designed my heart. He gave me dreams and desires, hope and ambitions. He WILL be faithful to complete the good work He started doing in my life. He knows what makes me joyful and giddy; he knows what puts a smile on my heart and causes laughter to erupt from the depths of my soul.

Has anyone else ever loved me so much? Is it possible that anyone ever could or will? Even if it is my lot in my life to be single - I will live a life of passion. The maker of the universe has breathed life into me. Nothing can hold me back. There's a reason I am where I am at. God put me here - I will accomplish His will.