I'm tired of sitting back and waiting for good things to come my way. I'm tired of lacking the confidence to pursue my dreams. I'm tired of watching everyone else get what I want and deserve.

It's not wrong to have ambition. It's not wrong to have goals. It's not wrong to strive for something better, something more enjoyable, something I've wanted for a long time, but been too afraid to pursue.

God gave me hopes and dreams and desires. He perfectly designed my heart, body and soul. He instilled in me unique hobbies and interests. He doesn't want me to settle for second best. He wants me to be happy, ecstatic and full of joy. He doesn't want my life to be a rut. He wants to be my life. He wants to be all that I long and desire for. He wants to be on the forefront of my mind from the moment I awake to the minute my eyes close as I drift off to a peaceful sleep. He wants to be my everything. He is everything.

I can't do God justice by just barely getting by. I can't just slide through life, hoping for the best. I need to be all that I can be in Christ. He is so much greater than anything this world has to offer.

Out here

I feel closer to you out here. Among the gentle breeze, the crisp springtime air, the view of the snow-covered hills. Winter’s putting up a fight this year. And so am I. I’m not ready to give into the truth that summer brings. With the melting of the snow and the blossoming of the trees, we said our goodbyes, both of us fighting back tears. You pulled out of my driveway and drove off into the vastness of the world outside of the one we used to know. Adventure awaits you, new life awaits you. But I’m still here.

From this hill I can see the entire valley. The people go about their day as if this is all there is. But I know better. My heart tells me there is more than the tedious hustle and bustle of the 9-5 workweek. My soul craves for something more than this monotonous excuse for life.

I want to live, really live. I want to bask in the warmth and beauty of the sun. I want to go horseback riding, canoeing, rock climbing, hiking. I want to fall asleep under the star-studded sky and dream about the adventures the next day will bring.

I want to be a writer

I want to be a writer. I want to conjure the short stories that you overanalyze in your American literature class. I want to pen the daily (I’ll settle for weekly) humor column in the newspaper that makes you laugh so hard your eyes start to water. And when your eyes water for other reasons, like death or failure, sickness or a brokenheart, I want to create the greeting card that warms your heart and puts hope back in your soul.

For Brianna

I don't know if I've ever missed anyone the way I'm already missing you. The lump in my throat is a sad complement to the tears streaming down my freckled face and the seemingly gigantic hole in my heart. You friendship is one that can not be matched by others.

I'll sit here, conjuring up memories we've made, if it takes all afternoon. Iced non-fat lattes remind me of you. Walking through the park reminds me of you. Old Navy puffy vests remind me of you.

Promise me that after you've driven halfway across the country, after the endless stretch of miles, after the rest stops and roadside hotels, after the Rocky Mountains are merely an insignificant speck in the rearview mirror of your silver Subaru and all that lies ahead of you are fields of wheat and corn - promise me you'll remember me.

There's a jar of peanut butter sitting on the corner of my desk, but somehow that just doesn't comfort me tonight.

Your voice is the one I want to hear. Speak loudly, clearly into my life. Tell me that this is where you want me. Reassure me that this transitional season is okay. Because right now, this is where I am. Complacent. Dry. Empty. But I know You have something greater than all this in store.

Back on my soapbox...

Maybe I'm taking this to the extreme, but aren't we called to be radical for Christ's sake (and maybe as well as our own?) If anything causes us to lust, shouldn't we flee from it?
2 Timothy 2:22 says to "flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart."

When I think of lust, I don't just think sexual. Lust can be anything that causes us to want, desire, need, crave, etc. Lust can be anything that takes away from our relationship with the Lord.

Sexual lust, however, is a HUGE deal. Not just for dudes. Guys and girls may think in different capacities, but how is me thinking about sex any different than you? Maybe dudes think more graphically, but sex is what it is.

I'm not a guy (no surprise there), so I don't understand exactly what goes on in guys minds. I do know that, for me, realizing that men really really struggle with stimulating visuals (such as scantily-clad seductive beautiful women) makes me feel awkward, in the sense that I'm never going to be a Victoria's Secret supermodel. This leads me to classify myself as “not very pretty, flawed, insecure, out-of-shape.”

It's an interesting dichotomy, because:
a) As strange as it may sound, I totally want to be the hot girl walking down the street that catches every mans attention. I want to wear the short mini skirts and have all the boys gawking over my sleek, smooth legs. Etc.
b) I'm so overly creeped out at the idea that a man could possibly look at me and somehow link his thoughts to sex. Don’t guys realize there’s more to a woman than her body? Don’t men realize that women want to be valued for who they are and not what they look like, naked or not?

Realizing that we (women) are being judged by our bodies, leaves us feeling insecure. Which makes us not much fun to be around because that’s when we start to focus solely on our flaws (freckles, acne, crooked noses, big booties, no booties, flabby stomachs, flat chests, large feet, hairy arms, facial hair, yellow teeth, crooked teeth, missing teeth, scars). When we focus on ourselves, we’re not able to focus on you (men). We’re not able to be as effective as we should because we’re so busy being insecure and worrying about how you probably spent the majority of the day checking out more perfect-looking women.

This thought-process almost forces women to be something they’re not. Should I spend more time getting ready in the morning so I can look good for you? Should I join the YMCA and stop eating so that I can someday achieve the picture-perfect physique? Should I spend gazillions of dollars on surgeries to enhance my breasts, straighten my nose, exfoliate my face, remove the fat from my stomach, purchase expensive makeup, wax my eyebrows, legs and arms?

Why can’t I be beautiful the way I am? Why can’t I be sexy with my oversized sweatshirt, jeans, and Old Navy flip flops? Why can’t you fall in love with the nice Christian girl, playing her guitar and praising the Lord? Why don’t you daydream about the quiet girl in the coffee shop who sips her mocha while studying the bible?

Why do I have to be flashy and fleshy, freaky and fake for you to notice me?

I can’t be something I’m not. I won’t be.

What I’m really trying to say is: let’s throw away the televisions, tear down the billboards,and silence the misleading masses that are telling us we need to be something we’re not.

This is a team effort. Men and women need to rebel against the norms. Fight your addictions. Flee youthful (and adult) lusts. Stop justifying sin. It is what it is. “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28-29)

I’m not writing this to condemn you because the Lord knows I’ve done my share of lusting. Realize this: We all struggle with lust in some capacity. It's what we do with the temptations. Are we asking God to remove them? Are we confessing our struggles to a fellow believer so they can hold us accountable?