Here we go...

I shouldn't jinx it, but I'm really really really going to try to stop drinking coffee, for good. I've realized it's kind of been an idol in my life and anything that takes the place of God is no good, right? This is not going to be easy. But with God's help (and lots of prayer), it can be done.

I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I'm sort of weeding out a lot of things. I want to be the best woman of God that I can be. If that means not watching American Idol, throwing away some old CD's, cutting out coffee and dessert, getting rid of some clothes, learning to live a more simple life, working out more often, loving with all of my heart, not judging others, spending time with the Lord everyday instead of Facebooking, then so be it! God is WAY more important than all this other stuff. And I know I'll be way happier and more content if my life is completely aligned with His will. I don't want anything to distract me from hearing God's voice.

Something to think about.

"I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity."
~India Arie

What a beautiful day!

J, L and I went hiking/walking at Mill Creek Falls and Union Creek. It was warm and beautiful and a nice change of scenery.





We also stopped @ Beckie's Restaurant and had mushroom swiss burgers and huckleberry pie! SO good. Ah, I can't wait for summer, minus the thousand degree weather. I'm looking forward to hiking and going on some adventures this year. 'Tis the season.

How can you be anxious for nothing when you're anxious for everything?

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not. I don't want to pretend that things aren't bothering me when, in fact, they are. Why am I so easily provoked? Why do I let silly things get the best of me? Why can't I just live peaceably? I've been consumed with angst since 4 o'clock this afternoon. It hit me like a slug to the chest. Didn't I just read Philippians 4:6-7 last night? Wasn't I just reminded to "be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace that surpasses ALL understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Amen."

Guard my heart, Lord. Flood me with peace. Please please please take away these feelings of anguish, confusion, frustration and jealousy. Give me your heart for this situation and any others that will arise.

Lord, You are bigger than ALL of this. You say to meditate on things that are good and true and noble and praiseworthy - and I want to, but I need Your help.

From the depths of my soul to the heights of heaven

I went hiking through the Redwoods with my dad yesterday. I sometimes forget how truly magnanimous and breath-taking the towering trees can be, but I was reminded as we meandered along the trail that wove through dense forest and past the gurgling stream. If I could simplify my life, sell all I own, and live amongst the rolling hills and brush-laden forests,if I could survive away from society's harsh existence - the reality that things are ever-changing and will never be the same, if I could wash my clothes in the river and warm myself by a campfire every night and sleep under the stars, I would drop this facade of happiness - the hustle of the 9 to 5 workweek - in a heartbeat. I would pursue passions and dreams I never thought possible.

What is holding me back? Why do I let fear rule and reign in my life? God is SO much bigger than EVERYTHING. He created the hills and the trees, the oceans and the prairies. He created ME. He designed my heart. He gave me dreams and desires, hope and ambitions. He WILL be faithful to complete the good work He started doing in my life. He knows what makes me joyful and giddy; he knows what puts a smile on my heart and causes laughter to erupt from the depths of my soul.

Has anyone else ever loved me so much? Is it possible that anyone ever could or will? Even if it is my lot in my life to be single - I will live a life of passion. The maker of the universe has breathed life into me. Nothing can hold me back. There's a reason I am where I am at. God put me here - I will accomplish His will.

Stuck in a rut

One of my coworkers told me I need a hobby. Apparently daydreaming does not count. She recommended bird watching, which I quickly declined. Then she asked what kinds of things I like to do. I feel like it's been so long since I've had a hobby that I didn't know what to tell her.

I used to play the guitar daily. I used to draw people pictures and write stories for my friends. I used to drive around, simply to take in the beauty of Ashland and the countryside bordering Talent and Phoenix.

I used to hope. I used to dream. I used to imagine things as they could be. Now I just exist; I get by. There's nothing unique about me. I wake up in the morning, check my e-mail, shower, spend 8 hours working and feeling like I could be doing something more challenging/interesting/creative, occasionally work out, go to church, hang out with friends when time allows. There's no passion in my life. I spend my life going and doing, yet I seem to find myself discontent and bored.

I want to feel passionate about pursuing something I love. I want to find joy in creating, imagining, writing. I want to be exciting. I want to be fun.

How come a year ago at this time, all I wanted was to be working a steady monday through friday, 9 to 5 job w/ weekends off? Now that I have what I thought I wanted, I'm disappointed.

What I really want is to run through a meadow with the wind blowing my hair and the sun warming me to the deepest part of my soul. I want to float in a canoe across a lake. I want to build a campfire and feast on hot dogs and s'mores.

I want to run away. I've never done anything daring or adventurous in my life and I feel that it's high time I took some chances and stopped playing so safe. I don't think God created us to live monotonous lives.

Just friends

Why isn't this getting any easier? Why do I feel as though the distance is creeping in on me, reminding me that we are only going to continue to grow farther apart?