Adventures of a Post Grad School Student

To Wagner Butte and beyond!

2011-09-26T07:33:00.000-07:00

I recently went on a 10 mile hike with a group of my friends. I'll be honest: The morning of the hike, I was dreading the first half, knowing it would be almost all uphill. However, being surrounded by good friends and nature made the agonizing pain in my hips and left knee (don't I sound old?) bearable. It didn't hurt that since there were so many of us there was constant encouragement. I've come to realize that I NEED to be pushed by other people. Often I can't find motivation within myself, so it helps when it comes in the form of a friend. This is probably why I struggle getting to the gym and staying there for more than 20 minutes.

Thanks to the help and encouragement of good friends, and the desire to see the view from the peak of Wagner Butte, I made it to the top! We all made it! And what an amazing sight it was. To our right we could see Mt. Ashland and Mt. Shasta. Down below we could see Emigrant Lake (near Ashland) all the way to Central Point, where we could barely make out the Table Rock formations. If we looked straight ahead, Mt. McLoughlin could be seen.

On our way down dark clouds were beginning to roll in, and the day after our hike, Wagner Butte was surrounded by voluminous clouds so thick that it could be not been from Talent. It looks like we picked the perfect day for the hike.

On a different note: between Facebook and blogs, a lot of people have been posting things they are thankful for. I really like that. I'm going to attempt my own list, and hopefully continue to add to it.

Things I'm Thankful For:
1. Darren and I's recently aquired love (and borderline obsession) of chess.
2. Sushi. Sushi. Sushi. How did I go my whole life without divulging in the delectable deliciousness of white rice, raw fish, and seaweed?
3. Fall, the season. I LOVE LOVE LOVE autumn colors. Red. Orange. Yellow. Green. Brown. I also love the crisp air, the cool temperatures, and comfy sweaters. And how could I forget Pumpkin Spice Lattes?
4. Acoustic guitars.
5. Good books.
6. Sharing laughter with friends and family.

With you.

2011-09-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel drunk with you. Like we're the only two people in the room or on the street. And even though we're surrounded by crowds of people, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I have the most fun with you. You're the one who makes me laugh. Nearly everything you say puts a smile on my face. Happiness burst from my heart and takes the form of laughter that can not, that will not, be silenced.

A Few Thoughts

2011-01-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

If you teach who you are, you must know who you teach.

You aren't a number, a color, or a inanimate object. You are living, breathing, and feeling. You are not void of emotion. You say what you think, smile when you are happy, frown when things don't go your way. You are intelligent. You see things as they should be, not always as they are.

Every good writer knows that they must know their audience. In the same way, a good teacher must know his/her students. As English and Writing majors, we were taught to analyze literature from different perspectives. As teachers of literature and writing, why wouldn't we teach to different perspectives?

There is beauty in diversity. Our quirks are what makes us unique. Our differences are what make us beautiful.

Think About It

2010-10-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd be pursuing a career that would lead to such inner turmoil and conflict. I feel like I am being told/taught one thing and living another. Don't get me wrong - the MAT program is great, but I'm having a tough time translating the things I'm learning in class to the actual classroom. Granted, I'm only a student teacher, but I can't even get kids to quiet down when I ask them politely. One of my favorite students told me I smile too much and that's why the other students aren't afraid of me. I don't want to instill fear, just respect.

I was raised by two parents who taught me to respect my elders. Apparently this isn't something that parents nowdays are teaching their children. This is what frustrates me to no end. The program emphasizes that "we teach who we are" which sounds great in theory, but practically, we teach a bunch of kids who are disrespectful. And then we make excuses for them like the kids are the problem. Oh, sure Tommy has a rough home life and yes, Suzy was adopted, but Tommy and Suzy aren't the problem. Their parents are.

I don't understand people that choose to have kids and then don't do everything in their power to provide them with love, safety, opportunity, etc. If you're too selfish to take care of children, don't have them. There's this great thing called abstinence. Maybe you should try it sometime instead of bringing more children into the world who will be victims of abuse, hunger, etc. because you're too self-absorbed to see that your children are taken care of. I just don't get it. If abstinence isn't for you, try birth control. Lots of it.

It's not fair that so many children have to suffer because of their ignorant parents. It's not fair that teachers get blamed for kids being bad kids when teachers are just trying to do their job.

Inspiration on Aisle Two

2010-10-17T19:31:00.000-07:00

A brief encounter in the tea aisle of the grocery store left me challenged and inspired. I have to give a passion presentation in one of my classes this week. I have five minutes to share something I am passionate about. My guitar, more importantly, music, is my passion of choice. Being that I'm bringing my guitar - and sharing about how much I have always loved music - chances are someone will want to hear me play and/or sing. This terrifies me. I can sing at church, with a microphone, in front of dozens of people. But sing and play in front of my cohort? Terrifying. Plus I don't have a powerhouse voice; I'm never going to be a diva. When I get nervous, I don't sing very loud. In my head, this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. In my heart, I want to sing at the top of my lungs.

I found myself sharing this with someone who attends the same church I do - in the middle of the grocery store. He reminded me that "it's about the passion, not the performance." We need to be faithful in the small things, so that God can use us to accomplish even greater things. While in the bigger picture, this may be a small, small event, in my life, it could prove to be monumental. I believe that God gave me the gift of worship. I believe that because of Him, I am able to play the guitar. I believe that He gave me a voice so I could worship Him and share His amazing love with the world. What good is a gift if you don't use it? What good is a light if you hide it under a bushel?

Rise to the Occasion

2010-09-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

My heart broke today - and for the first time in a long time, it wasn't for myself. I've only been student teaching for one week, yet I already feel a compassion for students who two weeks ago I couldn't have picked out in a crowd. Now I find myself wanting to defend them, wanting to make all their hurts go away, wanting to wrap my arms around them, as a mother would, and let them know "it will be alright."

But what if it isn't all right? What if the problems plaguing them now never go away? What if the damage caused by parents, friends, and bullies sticks with them, haunting them every day for the rest of their lives? What then?

What about the kid who comes to school hungry, who doesn't have money for food or clothes? Who will take care of him? What about the girl who was abused, who now has suicidal thoughts, who has the emotional mentality of a three year old?

Everyone is fighting a battle. We can't just "leave our problems at the door." Yet this is what we expect students to do.

One of the grad school mantras is that "we teach who we are." I am caring and
compassionate. I am concerned for the well-being of my friends, my family and now my students. I laugh when things are funny, and sometimes when they are not. I dwell on things. I worry, but not near as much as I used to. I like to call things as I see 'em. I am a planner, a problem solver, a thinker. I have a let's-get-to-the-bottom-of-this mentality. I have a disdain for injustice. I don't know how someone can hurt an innocent, defenseless person. I had to fight back tears today while hearing about the homelives of many of my students. I find myself fighting back tears quite often. I think every person has value, every life is worth living. I don't understand violence. I avoid confrontation. Yet right now I find myself wanting to confront all the problems in the world, or at least the problems facing my students. I find myself almost sick with frustration as I contemplate the everyday woes my students, and people worldwide, are facing.

How can I make things better?

I am not just a future English teacher. I am a woman who will take a stand. I am a woman who will rise to the occasion. If I cry, you will see my tears. If I think something is funny, you will hear my laughter. If I am frustrated, you will know, because passive will no longer be an adjective used to describe me. If I teach "who I am" then I cannot sit back and ignore the injustice all around me.

Row, row, row your boat

2010-07-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day of the rest of your life. It was also a day which you had been highly anticipating for months, for years. Today you started grad school and you did so by singing a round, or three, of "Row, row, row your boat" with your fellow grad school students. You know which boat I'm talking about. The metaphorical boat the will guide us all gently down the streams of life if we row together as a team.

Your frustrated because your usual cynical nature detests when people make cheesy metaphors out of something that really might just be a boat. But for the sake of grad school, for the sake of good grades, for the sake of pleasing your professors and appeasing your cohorts, you will do your part in rowing the boat until you all have made it safely to shore around this time next year.

And while you do question the validity of the song - Life is but a dream? Really? - you realize that to succeed in life, you may have to set aside your prejudices, open your mind and see the value in other people's opinions, despite how different they may be from your own.

"I'm a plane in the sunset, with no where to land."

2010-07-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

I want to do something crazy. Not bad crazy, just random, brave, out-of-the ordinary crazy. The problem is that I'm a planner so while I want to pack my bags, start the car and hit the open road, I know that I a) couldn't get very far with the money I have b) would be incredibly bored by myself c) gravity. Gravity is doing more than keeping me perpendicular to the ground. It's keeping me from saying the things I want to say and doing the things I want to do. I can't stop thinking that for the next year of my life, I'm going to have a very regimented schedule. And while I've never been a very daring person, the idea of living through my daily planner for the next 12 months does not sound enticing. Sometimes I want to throw caution to the wind and then deal with the reprecusions later.

Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm terrified. I'm just so bored with the monotony of life. I envy people who roam from place to place with no agenda.

I explained all this to my mom and she told me to count my blessings and I feel like for the most part, I do. I am very thankful for the family and friends I have, the house I live in, the food I eat, the inside jokes we share, etc. But I'm ready for more. I'm ready to have someone to share all this with. I'm ready to spend the rest of my life sharing the monotous things - grocery shopping, paying bills, chores, etc. I'm also ready to share adventures. I'm ready to go backpacking, sleep under the stars, spend the day floating in a boat. God must know all this since He's the one who created me. He must know that all the desires of my heart will come to fruition when vows are exchanged and the sweet words "I do" are at long last spoken. I know, but I don't know, that I need to be content while being single.

I've never wanted to great things. I've never wanted to go on a safari or to own a big fancy house or to have a career. It's times like these when I feel the one thing I want is the one thing I may never have. It's so frustrating because mediocre marriages happen all the time, yet I want a God-centered, God-glorifying, God-appointed marriage and it's not happening. What's the hold up? Is it me?

Speechless

2010-06-03T21:14:00.000-07:00

Why are we given so much emotion and feeling only to spend the majority of our life holding it at bay? Words I long to speak will never make it past my lips. Emotions I long to convey will never leave my heart. Arms that I long to stretch around you will never leave my side.

Is this how life is supposed to be lived?

Changing Perspective

2010-03-24T20:44:00.000-07:00

We are not invincible, nor have we ever been. Yet we've played the role so well. We've blinded our eyes, covered our ears, opened our mouths. Until now.

There is so much more to see than we've allowed ourselves to take in. There are people hurting, crying, starving, dying. All of this is going on while I sit here trying to come up with a witty Facebook status update.

This is breaking my heart. This is shattering everything I know.

I want to be weak. I want to be vulnerable. I want to feel a burden for the lost. I want to wear the weight of their world on my shoulders.

This leads me to believe there are things I need to cut out of my life. Anything that's in the way of serving and living wholeheartedly, anything that's blinding my eyes to the needs around me, anything that's a waste of time, needs to be removed. I want to be a prayer warrior. I want to have the faith that my prayers will be answered. God will provide!

Waiting...

2010-03-03T18:07:00.000-08:00

The hills are littered with snow; my heart, littered with anticipation. You say to be still, to hold steadfast to the truth that I know. The truth is what breaks me.

I feel like my entire life has been a series of cycles and ruts. Summer is no closer now than it was a year ago at this time. I know I'm moving forward, but for what purpose? Yours or mine? When I say, "I want to live for You. Your will be done," I want to mean it with all of my heart. I'm tired of meaningless words and cliche phrases.

Be real in my life. Convict me. Pour out Your Holy Spirit. Let everything I do be a reflection of Your character. Rid me of myself.

What's the point of living if I'm not living for Christ?

The land that I love

2010-01-19T07:34:00.000-08:00

I could stand to go home. To sit and watch the rain with you. This great wind couldn't keep me from the land I love. A land of towering, majestic Redwoods and the mighty Pacific Ocean. I could spend my days wandering your rocky shores and meandering through your dense forests.

For now, I'll sit here. Alone with my thoughts. Accompanied by the ferocious wind howling outside. Wishing I could sit here and write all day, but realizing that at this point in my life, writing doesn't pay the bills. It simply gets me through the day.

Poetry in Starbucks - a collection of visible words and not-quite tangible thoughts

2010-01-07T21:37:00.001-08:00

Hoping out of bed and thinking about one thing: gifts that unite. From Africa to Africa: gifts from your favorite places. Christmas blend: gifts, but with a purpose. As if the purpose of giving wasn't purpose enough. Shade grown: like the confusion and bitterness that recently started accumulating near the tree in the backyard and also noticeable in parts of my heart.
What you said was true: I do worry too much. I wear worry on my heart and on my sleeve. I hand it out like candy at a Fourth of July parade. It's the stone I'm holding onto; the deathgrip that doesn't want to let go.

Mt Ashland by moonlight

2010-01-05T21:51:00.000-08:00

It seems as if all the world should be quietly slumbering, as we sit here on this snow-covered mountain. The fog is hovering above the valley, but we've chosen to rise above it all. We've managed to escape and here we are, you and me and this mountain that welcomes us with open arms. Up here there are no worries, only the stars awaiting the moon's arrival out of the fog. If we stayed here long enough, we could watch the sunrise. Come morning, we'll be long gone and the memory of what was will be as bleak as the view of this mountain from my bedroom window.

Christmas Eve morning

2009-12-25T14:21:00.000-08:00

This mountainous region beckons me home. Hills laden with trees. Blue sky that will soon be a canopy of stars. The river, teaming with rapids, flows alongside this highway that will soon lead me to the family that has been anxiously awaiting my arrival all morning.

Broken

2009-12-11T21:17:00.000-08:00

I said, break my heart if that's what You have to do. You listened, and that's what You're doing. So why do I keep stuffing these pebbles in my pockets, when You've promised that if I would only empty my hands and stretch out my arms, You would be there, ready to fill the void.

This is where I am.

Broken and broken-hearted. Trying to decipher a meaning for all of this, most importantly, YOUR meaning for this. My arms are open wide, longing for a comforting hug that can only from the Father.

Meet me here tonight, Lord. I desperately need You.

Surrender

2009-11-04T17:45:00.000-08:00

You really do know what You're doing. You've got this under control. I will rest in that tonight and every night for the rest of my life and I will proclaim it daily if that's what it takes.
Even when problems prevail and it seems there's no possible solution. Even when life is hard and emotions run rampant. Even when something happens that I don't like or You do something that I think I could do better. You are in control. Not me.

This is surrender. This is laying down my life to the One who gave me life in the first place. This is realizing that this life IS NOT ABOUT ME. This is about being kind when people are hateful. This is about finding constant joy in the Lord despite the current circumstance.

"But the end of all things is at hand; therefore by serious and watchful in your prayers. And above all things have fervent love for one another, for love will cover a multitude of sings. Be hospitable to one another without grumbling." ~ 1 Peter 4:7-9

slaying dragons vs cold feet

2009-11-01T19:56:00.000-08:00

when will I forego these dreams
this idle hope that you will
do something
anything
instead of sitting back and letting this, letting me, pass you by

Done

2009-09-24T17:06:00.001-07:00

I am extremely self absorbed. There's no way around it. It's who I am; it's who I fear I'll always be. Today pretty much sucked at work and I let it get to me to the point I was on the verge of tears. Instead of focusing on the positive and trying to change things, I got overwhelmed and started sulking. Why do I always do this? Why do I think the world revolves around me? Here I am throwing myself a pity party WHILE I'm checking in a patient who found out she has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. If anyone should have been feeling crumby, it should have been her.

Why do I care so stinkin' much what people think of me? The world will not end if someone doesn't like me. Gosh, I wish I could just be normal and not always be awkward and annoying and emotional.

Things that matter

2009-09-16T21:55:00.001-07:00

Wise words from Bri: I wouldn't want to be somebody's 'type'. If I was their type, I wouldn't want to be with them.

This took me a few minutes to digest, but once I did, I understood and realized - I wouldn't want to be someone's 'type' either. For example, assuming I were blond and beautiful, I'd feel pretty lame dating a guy who "loves" beautiful blond perfect women. How would I ever exceed his expectations? I'd meet the standard, rather than set it. As luck would have it, I'm neither blond nor perfectly beautiful, so this is not something I have to worry about.

This got me to thinking and I've decided that I don't think I'm anyone's 'type' either. I feel like I have the ability to be multiple people (and no, I don't have schizophrenia). I'd just like to believe that I'm adaptable and that maybe, just maybe, someday I'll exceed someone's expectations. Sure I'm sarcastic, prideful, insecure and fearful at times, but when I love, I do it with all my heart. And I'd like to think that's what matters.

Here it is: The entry you've all been waiting for...

2009-09-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

God has been placing some amazing people in my life... singles ministry, what! All joking aside, I sometimes wish I could put joking aside, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. I love sarcasm. I love sarcastic people. I love inside jokes. I love awkward humor. Why? I don't know. I'd like to think that it's because God made me this way, but would God really make a person sarcastic on purpose? Or am I selfishly using sarcasm to boost my own confidence because I enjoy making people laugh and I like to laugh - way to kill 2 birds with one stone, right?

On an entirely different note... you know how Anne Shirley (in Anne of Green Gables) felt about her red hair? Well, that's how I feel about my freckles. I think at one point in the movie she said, "I thought nothing could be as bad as red hair. Green is ten times worse." While she was referring to her green hair, she could have just as easily been referring to either her freckles or mine.

Tomorrow I'm hiking Mt. Scott (@ Crater Lake) with some friends. Looking forward to hanging out with new friends and hiking again, since I haven't been for at least a month. Bring on the adventure!

Nights like this make me dream of things yet to be

2009-09-04T22:52:00.000-07:00

Mom and Dad are here visiting, so we went out for a night on the town. We started with dinner at the House of Thai in Ashland where we were second-hand seranaded by a quartet of obnoxious men. They were actually singing to the table next to us. I wish with all my heart that I could have enjoyed their boisterous crooning, but something about rambunctious, overly zealous, noisy men prancing around while I try to eat Pad Thai and Yellow Curry makes me a little nauseous. On the positive side: it was certainly a meal that neither I nor my family will forget.

Next we made our way to Paddington Station, just as they were about to close. I finally broke down and bought the decorative fall leaves to hang on the living room wall. I think they'll be a nice complement to the Autumn in Paris picture we currently have adornign the wall.

Finally, to top off an already lovely evening - we treated ourselves to Gelato. The nice girl serving us even gave us a brief history of gelato, which was nice for Mom and Dad since they're from "the country" as we affectionately call the small coastal town in which they reside.

When we got back to my house we sat out in the backyard, under the light of the silvery FULL moon. It was nice to catch up, even though we talk on the phone everyday. There's something comforting about speaking in person. The sky was beautiful. It reminded me of how much I love cloudy nights, the versatility of an unclear sky. It reminded me of all the things I want to do - night hiking, sleeping under the stars, staying up all night simply to watch the sunrise.

In the multitude of words...

2009-08-29T23:34:00.001-07:00

Tact, I agree, is a good thing. But it's not something I always use. It's not that I try to be awkward and offensive, it just comes out that way sometimes. It's never my intention to sound cynical and pessimistic, it just sort of happens. These may sound like excuses, and maybe they are, but I can honestly, unabashedly say right now that sometimes I get tired of sugar coating my words. Why beat around the bush when you can grab a machete and blunder your way through it?

My conviction rests in Proverbs 10:19: "In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, but he who restrains his lips is wise."

I don't restrain my lips. In fact, I seem to do quite the opposite. I'll impose my opinion on just about any subject to just about anyone, without any thought of how it may affect those around me.

I know I need to change, but my flesh, my pride, won't let me. Lord, this is where YOU come in. This is where I let go and You take over and change my heart. How I long to have the countenance of a quiet and gentle spirit! How I long to be a woman who chooses her words wisely, who allows the Lord to speak mightily through here, who listens for the still, small voice even if it takes hours or days.

This is what I've come to realize: Sin is not lacking in my life, You are. I have been so caught up in doing and going and being, that I fail to take time out to pray and read my bible. Forgive me, Lord. Place Godly desires in my heart. Cleanse me of my selfishness and pride. Convict me when I speak out of turn or say something that doesn't need to be said.

2009-08-29T13:51:00.000-07:00

After a short haitus and a computer virus, it is time to return to the wonderful world of blogging. Here's an update on my life as of late.

Sarah, our new roommate, moved in a couple of weeks ago. She's awesome and so much fun!!! We've been decorating up a storm. The new photograph hanging on the wall is beckoning me to jump in, Mary Poppins' style, and explore Paris in the fall. Oh, how I would love to walk, hand-in-hand (if I had someone's hand to hold), down the tree-lined pathway covered in a quilt of fallen leaves. Autumn is most definitely my favorite of the 4 seasons. The colors, the crisp, sometimes biting air, sweaters, hot chocolate, conversations by the fireplace.

Work is work. I keep feeling that God has put me here on the earth to do more than work monday through friday, nine to five. At the same time, I don't want to discount the fact that He has me where I am right now for a reason. However, if it were up to me, I'd sell all I own, buy a VW van, pack my sleeping bag, guitar and camera, and travel across this great country. I'd stop to take pictures of God's amazing creation. I'd write poetry about the rustling leaves and purple mountains majesty. I'd play my guitar and sing at the top of my lungs as the sun set over distant hills.

Bri came to visit last week. It was SO GOOD to see her. While I'm excited to see where God is taking her, I feel like part of my heart is missing when she is away. I feel blessed beyond belief that the Lord has given me such amazing friends. If only they would stay put, so we could all hang out more than once every 3 months. :)

When did 'friend' become a verb?

2009-08-13T22:26:00.000-07:00

Friend as a noun: Leah is my friend.

Friend as an adverb/adjective: Chelsey is friendly.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for your viewing pleasure, friend as a verb: You friended her mom? On Facebook? How does that even work?

Oh, what a night!

2009-08-06T22:23:00.001-07:00

I'm deinitely enjoying this break in the weather. I'll take cloud-covered skies over thousand degree weather any day. A couple of nights ago, however, I sensed a storm was-a-brewin'. So I decided to light a candle, in case the power went out.

There I was, sitting, lighting a match, when - SNAP! The match broke, and conveniently fell on my bare leg. I freaked. I brushed the flames off my leg and onto the bathroom rug. Then, like the madwoman that I am, turned on the sink faucet, cupped my hands underneath, and dumped heaps of water on that little flame. Once the fire was out, I cried. Hard. For a ridiculously long time.

After I stopped crying, I tried to fall asleep, but was suddenly awoken with the urge to regurge... all the food I had ate before church. Suffice it to say, I may never eat salsa or string cheese again. Just the thought...

I spent the rest of the night curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor. I covered myself with bathroom towels since I was too crippled to get a blanket from my bed. Vomiting is not something I enjoy doing, but I seemed to be an all-star at the sport last night.

The next morning I woke up and went to the doctor. They did an abdominal x-ray and decided to refer to me to a Gastro doc (it may take weeks to get in). I'm trying to stay positive and think that everything will be okay, but part of me is a little worried because I have been having so many issues that don't seem to be resolving.

Lucky for me, Chelsey drove 3 hours to play nurse and take care of me. God sure blessed me with amazing friends. I spent most of the weekend lounging around watching movies which is really really out of the ordinary for me. I'm still not feeling too swell, but there's no need to throw a pity party, right?

And on a much more exciting note, our new roommate finally moved in after months of anticipation. So exciting. She is super cool - she plays the guitar and seems to have a great sense of humor - what else does a person need? :)

If life has background music, playing your song, I've gotta be honest, I tried to escape you, but the orchestra plays on...

2009-08-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

It never fails. I go to the grocery in a semi-contemplative mood and as soon as I walk in the door, my ears are bombarded with sappy, cheesy love songs. The first time this happened, I tried to ignore Boyz II Men as they were singing "I'll Make Love to You" while I compared the sugar content of different cereals. The second time, however, I started to wonder if someone @ Albertson's had it out for my mental well-being. I usually love Boyz II Men, just not that particular song. And lately I'm not in the mood for love songs - no matter how happy or sad.

I go to the grocery store alone and I leave alone. And I'm okay with that, really. But honestly, I'm at the store because I need to buy food, not be reminded of all the pseudo-happy people in their mediocre relationships. Sing me a song about the amazing sale on boneless chicken breasts or how really great the orange juice is on aisle 9, not your sex life or lackthereof.

Tonight I decided to try Safeway instead of Albertsons, thinking I would have better luck. Bad idea. First off, the produce selection is horrible and second, Bryan Adams was belting out "Please Forgive Me." Oh Bryan, you don't really mean that.. My cynicism strikes again.

Maybe the heart of the issue is that I'm secretly longing for someone to sing me a song - and mean what they say. Maybe I'm tired of reading books about all the great things I can do as a single. Maybe I just want someone to fall, really fall, in love with me - and stay that way forever. I KNOW KNOW KNOW that only God can satisify my deepest longings and desires. This isn't new information; it's been engrained in my head for as long as I can remember and it still doesn't change the fact that I desperately want to meet the man that I will spend the rest of my life with. God created man - and woman - in his image. He saw that it was not good for man to be alone, so He gave him a helper. What do I have, but peace that God is in control and that He will orchestrate an amazing love story when it's the right time. Until then...

This is all for You!

2009-08-03T22:01:00.000-07:00

Why do we waste so much time on meaningless things? Why do we say that God is our everything, that we give Him everything, when in reality, we have a tight deathgrip on many, many things in our lives? What are we so afraid of?

God has promised to never leave nor forsake us. He has promised to be faithful to complete the good work He began in us. He has promised to work all things for good to those who love Him. You love Him, right? You trust him, right? Then why do you keep holding on to things He has asked to give to Him. God will never lead you astray. Instead He will guide and direct you. HE WILL KEEP YOU IN PERFECT PEACE IF YOUR MIND IS FOCUSED ON HIM. So stop worrying. Have no fear. The creator of the universe has it all under control. Here's your chance to lay all your burdens at His feet. Here's your opportunity to cast your cares on the Lord. He will sustain you. He will never permit the righteous to be moved.

If you are not in perfect peace right now, than maybe you are doing something that is out of His will. Or maybe He is using this time to cause you to draw nearer and nearer to Him. Continue seeking His guidance and you will not be led astray. Take hold of the truth that He is impressing on your heart. He loves you so much and wants to bless you, but you have to be willing to truly surrender everything to Him.

Todd Lake, not for the faint of mosquito repellent

2009-07-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

What started out as a stroll along pristine Todd Lake, proved to be a trek through the mud and a battle with mosquitoes.

I’ve read about Todd Lake in hiking guides and checked out pictures on the internet. Visually, we could not have asked for a more photo-worthy hike. The water was still, the morning sun rose over mountains, illuminating the solitaire kayaker. The meadow was full of wildflowers – purples, reds and yellows exploded against the deep green of the dewy, morning grass. From a distance, all was well.

We were greeted by a hiker listening to roaring, obnoxious music – a bitter contrast to the silence we are so accustomed to. We opted to go the opposite way of the obnoxious hiker went and started our journey around Todd Lake.

The mosquitoes must have gotten wind of our arrival, because no sooner had we started to hike, they were swarming viciously. “We should’ve brought the bug spray,” Dad said, as I scurried past him.

“Eh, we’ll be okay. We’re tough,” I tried to sound convincing, but it came out sounding more like a question.

We hiked at a steady pace, stopping only momentarily to take pictures of Mt. Bachelor rising over the tree line. This was our first mistake. Faster than I could take a picture, 2 mosquitoes attached themselves to my middle and ring finger. They were relentless, despite my incessant swatting. After that, I decided that I would have to be much quicker when taking pictures.

After a few minutes of hiking in the woods, we came to the meadow that had once looked so beautiful. Up close, however, we could see the grass was intermingled with bouts of mud. Muddy mud interwoven with small streams. This isn’t your grandma’s mud. This was the real deal. What’s a hike if you don’t get dirty, though, I thought to myself. [The answer: a stroll.]

Despite the factors warring against us, all I could do was laugh at the irony and our lack of preparedness. We continued onward [we had no other choice]. If we slowed down for one second, the mosquitoes would attack. If we tried to hurry, we’d most likely end up face planting in the mud. Neither of those things sounded like fun. So we walked… until we reached dry ground. Ah, relief. Dirt - stability in its finest form. We meandered again through the trees and ultimately found ourselves back at our starting point, the car, where we were once again greeted by obnoxious hiker blaring his obnoxious country music.

We loaded our stuff in the trunk and proceeded to drive away from the parking lot, but as we started to reverse, creepy obnoxious hiker man tapped on the driver’s side window. Oh Lord, I prayed, please don’t let him try to kill us. There is no one around to see us. No one will notice we are missing for hours.

“Your trunk’s open,” he smiled as if he were really trying to say something else. I hopped out of the car and shut the trunk and hiker man came around the back of our car. “Eh, you got a lighter or a match or something I can use?” Something you can use for what, I’m thinking. “Nope, sorry.” And that was that.

We're having a heat wave!

2009-07-27T18:37:00.000-07:00

What's up with the incessant heat? It's gotta be nearing 200 degrees outside. It's days like this that make me yearn for the bitterly cold days of Winter. I can see it now - me, bundled up in a down comforter, sipping hot chocolate out of a large coffee mug, wearing flannel pajamas (because who doesn't love flannel at any time of the year?), longing to be warmed by a fireplace, shivering in the cold because I can't afford heat since I used all my money paying for the A/C in the summer.

You'd think I'd be eating ice cream for dinner to cool myself down, but all day I've been craving tortellin's and keilbasa. So that's what I made for dinner. I really don't enjoy eating alone. Food is meant to be shared. It's too bad all my friends are sharing food with a significant other or eating in a different state.

Lately I've decided that I really like grocery shopping. It's so much more enjoyable when you actually use the food that you buy, as opposed to letting it sit in the fridge and mold.

Tonight, and the rest of my life, I want to live for YOU

2009-06-29T19:41:00.000-07:00

You know how we all say we would do anything for God, but then we complain and agonize when things don't seem to be going our way, when we're stuck in, what we consider, a mediocre, unfulfilling job.

For my entire life, I've reassured God (like He really needed my reassurance)that I would do anything and go anywhere that He wanted to send me. Mexico. China. Zimbabwe. Canada. Los Angeles. Call me and I will go. Ha! I've spend the majority of my life wondering if I was outside of God's will because I just didn't seem to be doing big things for the Lord. Why am I still in the Rogue Valley if there are unsaved people in India?

And then today, God spoke SO intensely to me that I could not doubt any longer that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Living in Talent, OR, working 9-5 at a doctors office in Medford, serving at the Ashland Christian Fellowship. God has placed me at Oregon Surgical Specialists for a reason: to save lost souls! How could I have not realized this the first day I got the job a little over a year ago? Why did it take me 365 days of grumbling and complaining, soul searching, agonzing, questioning God, to finally realize that THIS IS GOD'S WILL FOR MY LIFE right now. Maybe in a month I'll be somewhere else, but for June 29, 2009, I finally feel like I am where I belong. How refreshing it is to rest in God's plan instead of fretting over fulfilling my own. If God wants me to get my Masters in Teaching - cool. If God wants to hook me up with an amazing husband - I'm ready. If God wants me to keep working at OSS for the next 30 years so that 1 person might be saved - bring it on! I'm up for anything as long as the Lord is behind it.

Lord,
Thank you SO SO SO much for speaking into my life. Thank you for direction and times of searching. Thank you for when my heart is overflowing with joy and love and thank you for the droughts that draw me closer to You.

Time for a Change

2009-06-26T21:31:00.000-07:00

"Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one." ~Colossians 4:6

"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." ~Ephesians 4:29

"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world." ~Philippians 2:14-15

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us." ~2 Corinthians 4:7

I'm starting to feel that God is calling me to lay aside my sarcasm. I tend to use it to: a)keep people at a distance -or- b)make people laugh at any expense. When I distance myself from other people I am not allowing myself to be open to great things, amazing people God has for me. When I make people laugh, I am ultimately glorifying myself.

I want to have sarcasm-free, God-glorifying, edifying, uplifting, conversations with everyone I meet. I want to talk to you, coffee in hand, about things that matter, things that will last. Friendship, eternal life, the salvation of souls.

Lord, I pray that you would use my life. Change me. Take away the sarcastic humor that I have so long prided myself in. Empty me. Be the words I speak.

Morning Worship

2009-06-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

Morning worship has been good for my soul. There's something so motivating about starting off the day with the Lord. Friday morning proved to have that same affect. The worship leader played, "Amazing Love" and everytime he would go back to the chorus, my heart overflowed with joy and excitement. "In all I do, I honor You" are the words that convict me over and over again. Am I really honoring the Lord in ALL I do?

This has got to be a lifestyle. I can no longer pick and choose which areas of my life I will honor God with. Everything I do/say/think needs to be a reflection of Godly character and purity. God gave me this life in the first place. I will do everything I can to honor Him. But I may need to be reminded once in a while, so if you're my friend and you're reading this, feel free to call out my sin and remind me that God is my reason for living, breathing, working, singing, etc.

Constant Joy; Unconditional Love

2009-06-07T21:13:00.000-07:00

"Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My judgements and do them. Then you shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers; you shall be My people and I will be your God." ~ Ezekiel 36:25-28

Lord, please remove this heart stone. Rip it out. Do what You have to do. I'm ready to rid myself of all that is distracting me from growing closer to You. Nothing in this world is as satisfying as just a few minutes in Your presense. You are all I need.

Let my joy be constant. No more of this roller coaster emotion. You are always the same; You never change. Remind me of that. Remind me when I'm down in the dumps, when things don't go my way, when people frustrate me and hurt my feelings. Remind me when things are going great, when the sun is shining and life is good.

The point of all this is You. You're the reason I wake up in the morning. You're the reason I go to work each day. You're the reason I have the friends I have, sing the songs I sing, breathe the air I breathe. You're bigger than everything that is going on around me. You love me more than anyone can or ever will. Let me rest in that tonight. Let me proclaim Your love to the masses. Use my life, Lord.

"We'll never be ready if we keep waiting...

2009-06-02T22:40:00.000-07:00

for the perfect time to come." ~ Never Be Ready, Mat Kearney

I want to know that I'm beautiful, that I'm worth fighting for. I want you to help guard my heart and esteem me above all others. I want to be a mystery that you would do anything to solve.

Protect me, challenge me, reassure me.

I may be scared of just about everything, but I don't want to stay that way forever. Don't be afraid to push me and spur me on toward trying new things.

Lead me, guide me, teach me.

Let's read our bibles, volunteer to hang out with the elderly, play our guitars. Let's go star-gazing, hiking, canoeing, camping.

Maybe these aren't things that sound fun to you, but to me they mean the world.

Summer's on it's way

2009-05-30T23:25:00.001-07:00

What a fun weekend [minus Bri moving away for almost 3 months.]

Friday night, Bri, Brook and I went out to dinner with Kyla @ Habaneros, then ice cream @ Cold Stone, then karaoke @ Rumors (so sketch!) We doned cowboy hats for no reason other than because we could. On saturday morning, Bri, Brook and I made scrambled eggs, sausage, potatoes, crepes and delicious coffee. I'm getting hungry just thinking about breakfast. Only a few more hours...

The weather has been rather exciting these past few days. On saturday, I hung out on J's deck and watched the sky turn from sun to clouds to lightening and thunder to rain. We weathered the storm (pun intended!) and sat outside for around 2 hours. Today a few of us went out to the lake where it should have been warm and sunny, but because I took so long gettin' ready, dark clouds were looming overheard. This did not stop my fearless friends from jumping off rocks and swimming across the lake and back. Such drive, such determination. I, however, subtly slid my way into the lake, courtesy of the perfectly slanted semi-slimy rock and a sturdy shoulder or two to hold on to.

Praise the Lord for summer! And friends! And the outdoors!

Camping and Conversation

2009-05-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

I love everything about camping, from making reservations and filling up the ice chest with food to setting up the tent and roasting hot dogs and marshmallows.

Give me a warm fire, a star-studded sky, good friends and some converation - and I'm set. Top it all off with an acoustic guitar and some melodic crooning and my life is complete. Oh, the simple things.

In the modern-day world of text messages, e-mail, and [insert latest form of technological communication here], genuine, heart-to-heart conversations seem to be happening less frequently. We're so preoccupied with getting from point A to B that we fail to connect with the people around us. A simple, "Hey, how's it goin'?" will not suffice. We need human interaction. We need more than commonplace rhetorical questions.

There's something so freeing about bundling up around a campfire and baring your soul to your closest friends. With only the sound of distant crickets and a gurgling stream to compete with, it's easy to surpass the mundane everyday conversations for topics more unique.

Anytime I'm outdoors I find it easier to be who I really am. There are no preconceived notions caging me in. I don't have to succumb to expecations - be to work on time, don't use that tone when talking to patients, drive the speed limit, answer the phone with a smile in your voice.

I find the wilderness inviting, invigorating, intoxicating. I find solace simply by hiking with a friend. Words don't always have to be exchanged. The silence often speaks volumes that will never be told through a Facebook comment or a mass e-mail.

Mission Accomplished

2009-05-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

For those of you who were worried, worry no more because: Mat Kearney has been found. Well, at least his new CD was. I'd like to thank all of those who have been praying for me throughout the endeavor as I searched high and low all over this valley.

I played ULTIMATE FRISBEE for the first time in my life tonight. How could I have gone 25 years without experiencing the joy, the glory, the triumph of such a game? What a workout it was! Who needs a gym membership when you can run around Garfield Park with your friends? To top it off, Bri showed up with her youth group so I got to play some sand volleyball and sit in on some acoustic worship and a short message by the youth leader @ First B.

I'm getting pumped about the camping trip this weekend. Leah, Julie and I are headed to Silver Falls, Oregon to check out the many waterfalls adorning the park. This'll be my first big camping trip. I've been camping a couple of times before, but someone else has always planned everything. This time, I get to help plan the meals, set up the tent, start a fire (preferably not one that destroys an entire forest), pack the car, make sure we have all the utensils we need and so much more. I must say, I'm a planner. I love to plan - and I love making lists. Here's a list I'm making right now...
The Only Thing That Could Make This Camping Trip Better:
1. If Bri were coming with us

That's all the listing I have for tonight. Until we blog again...

Though miles may seperate, there's no space between our hearts

2009-05-16T22:20:00.000-07:00

Man alive, some people know what they are doing. Write me a song that makes me cry and you've forever won my affection. Anberlin did it and now Wavorly - and now my iTunes playlist will never be the same.

"Spread the blanket on top, and I’ll turn off the lights
And we’ll gaze at the stars
With you by my side, the moon set to the right
It’s incomparable so far
I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling

Two years ago, I had no idea that you were so perfect
As we wait so long, until we join hands
You make the wait worth it

I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling

Now years down the road
Still hasn’t gotten old to sit and laugh the day away
There’s one thing you should know
My love for you grows even more every day

I haven’t stopped falling in love
Haven’t stopped falling in love

And the day that I finally can take you home
There’s no way that I’m ever, ever letting go
We’ll be ok, though miles may separate
There’s no space between our hearts
And this day, I choose to keep loving you
As if it were a choice, I can’t stop falling…"
-A Summer's Song, Wavorly

To write or not to write

2009-05-13T22:08:00.001-07:00

My mom and her friends have this crazy idea that I should write Christian Chic Lit because, heck, I live it and who better to write than the former writing major who now works at a doctors office? What a novel idea - no pun intended.

I want to write, that is true. But I don't know if novels are really my thing. I'm the girl who starts reading ten books and maybe finishes three of them. And since my writing reflects my reading (or lack thereof), most things I write aren't more than two pages.

Oh, the sun!

2009-05-10T23:02:00.000-07:00

My goal to become outdoorsy is working so well that I'm having a hard time being indoors for longer than 30 minute increments. It's not so bad right now, but as soon as I sit down in my cubicle tomorrow, I'll be antsy and itching to get back outside. Sun, wind, rain, hail, snow... I'll bare it all if it means breathing fresh air.

Speaking of fresh air, I got plenty of it the last two days. Went to my cousins wedding last evening in Grants Pass. It was beautiful and so awesome to see how faithful God is to bring people together. When I was younger, I didn't like weddings, but now I LOVE them. Granted, they do make me yearn for the day when I exchange vows with the man I will spend the rest of my life with. Until then, I will be faithful serving the Lord and getting to know Him more - and I will be having a blast being single and hanging out with all my single friends (since there are SO MANY of us).

On that note, when I got back from GP this afternoon (after a delicious brunch with my awesome fam), I played my guitar out in the backyard, and then decided to pull weeds in the front yard. It was quite the endeavor, as there were a lot of weeds. I find pulling weeds therapeutic. Brook soon joined me out front grading papers. Then we went to Mucho Gusto for dinner which was SO good! Then I helped her grade more papers and we listened to some old school Mariah Carey, sang at the top of our lungs and laughed until we almost cried.

All in all, it was a delightful sunday. Now on to other things like sleep.

"And I finally found that life goes on without you...

2009-05-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

and my world still turns when you're not around."

I've decided that I should just start posting Anberlin songs as my blog. The only downfall is that sometimes lyrics aren't as captivating if not intertwined with music. Maybe it's not such a great idea.

Talk about a relaxing evening. I came home from work, took a power nap, played my guitar, ate a few chocolate chips, soft-scrubbed the bathtub, lit some candles, drank some make-shift wine (courtesy of the water faucet) out of a real wine glass, turned on some music, and took a much-deserved bubble bath. Ahhh. Afterwards, I talked to my long-lost friend Chelsey who's not really lost, but does live three hours away. Sometimes those three hours seem a lot farther than they really are. Chelsey is the amazing girl who used to sleep in the bedroom next to mine, who used to make me ice cream sundaes with smiley faces when I was sad, who would put up with me complaining about the sappy, romantic movies she would watch. While I'm so glad Chels has a great roomie, I'm a little jealous when I hear about her making chicken cordon bleu for someone other than me. :( Chels, if you're reading this: I miss you!!!

I'm going to my cousin's wedding on saturday. The last time I went to a family wedding, I CAUGHT THE COVETED BOUQUET. A lot of good that did me, huh? Thankfully, God is bigger than a bundle of flowers. I just have to keep reminding myself that. :)

May 19th

2009-05-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

SO excited for Mat Kearney's new CD. I'd be WAY more excited if he would personally show up at my house to deliver it. Preferably when I'm home.

The night speaks words I'm afraid to admit

2009-04-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

It’s moments like these when I miss you. When night is still and parts of the world are tucked in, sleeping peacefully, surrendering to long-awaited slumber. I like to imagine that you’re walking beside me, holding my hand, reminding me that I’m not alone, that there is nothing to fear under this canopy stars, that you are here to keep me safe.

It’s moments like these when I miss your embrace. At the end of the day, when silence and cold are settling in, I long for strong arms to wrap themselves around me, forsaking the distance that so begrudgingly ensnared its way into our lives.

Squats and lunges and treadmills - oh my!

2009-04-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

Bri and I went to the Women with Weights class at the Y tonight. Not sure why, but we were both thinking it would be a nice little easy class to take before Salsa Aerobics. We were right - it was nice. But we were also very wrong - it kicked our butts (and knees and calves and shoulders). I will definitely go back. I loved the challenge plus we got to use fit balls for part of the time. Talk about a killer ab work out. I should have abs of steel in no time. I also did 30 minutes on the treadmill last night and for 5 of those minutes, I jogged at a fairly decent pace. I realize this is no monumental feat, but for me, jogging for any amount of time is quite the achievement. At this rate, I'll be running a half marathon by the year 2012, if I'm lucky. :) Working out consistently is giving me so much more energy than I usually have. Surprisingly, giving up coffee isn't taking quite the toll I thought it would.

I might go to Eureka with Bri and Leah this weekend to support them as the run a half marathon. Eureka is my least favorite place that I've been to, but Bri and Leah are some of my most favorite friends so it should average out to a fun-filled weekend. Go team!

Monday, monday

2009-04-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

I think I've died on gone to cubicle hell. If there is such a place. Row upon row of pathetic excuses for office space. What good are brand new cubicles if they don't allow you any sort of privacy? How useful are the partitions if tape doesn't stick to them and thumb tacks have to be hammered in simply to hang up a post-it note with phone numbers for other doctors offices? User friendly? I think not. A waste of company money? Very much so.

Where is the job that will let me work from my laptop as I bum around coffee shops, libraries and city parks all day? Where is the employer who will offer me freedom from doing the same thing day after day after day? Who will rescue me from this job that is slowly evaporating my personality and creativity?

Another beautiful day, another great hike

2009-04-26T19:31:00.000-07:00

Julie, Sera and I trekked up Park St (part of it, not the whole thing, or we might have eventually rolled backwards and ended up pancakes on Siskiyou Blvd due to the incredible incline) and then explored the Oredson-Todd Trail. It's hard to believe I've lived here 4 years and I'm just starting to experience outdoor life in Ashland. Here's to challenges! Here's to friends who like to hike! Here's to the nice lady who gave us directions when we almost got lost. Almost, but not quite.

Something about being outdoors makes me SO tired afterward. Julie and Leah came over after our adventure and we made fajitas and after we ate, all I wanted to was sleep. Instead I decided to blog, but it's taking all I have to type this out. Forgive me for the lack of anything exciting to say.

Last night I had a dream that I was running in a race. It got me really excited because lately I've been wanting to start jogging/running. I just need a bit more motivation and energy... soon, though, I believe it will happen. Besides, everyone else is doing it.

Brook and I went to the Goodwill (more affectionally known as the G-Dub). I was really excited to find the book "Politically Correct Fairy Tales" and a music record with some really freaky looking guy's face on the front. He's got enviable curly chest hair with a coy smile that could melt even the coldest of hearts. I'm guessing that when the record was produced, the goal wasn't to make people laugh, but 20-30 years later, mullets are SO not in, but the smile they put on mine and my roommates are.

Here we go...

2009-04-22T21:29:00.001-07:00

I shouldn't jinx it, but I'm really really really going to try to stop drinking coffee, for good. I've realized it's kind of been an idol in my life and anything that takes the place of God is no good, right? This is not going to be easy. But with God's help (and lots of prayer), it can be done.

I feel like I'm at a place in my life where I'm sort of weeding out a lot of things. I want to be the best woman of God that I can be. If that means not watching American Idol, throwing away some old CD's, cutting out coffee and dessert, getting rid of some clothes, learning to live a more simple life, working out more often, loving with all of my heart, not judging others, spending time with the Lord everyday instead of Facebooking, then so be it! God is WAY more important than all this other stuff. And I know I'll be way happier and more content if my life is completely aligned with His will. I don't want anything to distract me from hearing God's voice.

Something to think about.

2009-04-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

"I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity."
~India Arie

What a beautiful day!

2009-04-19T17:48:00.001-07:00

J, L and I went hiking/walking at Mill Creek Falls and Union Creek. It was warm and beautiful and a nice change of scenery.

We also stopped @ Beckie's Restaurant and had mushroom swiss burgers and huckleberry pie! SO good. Ah, I can't wait for summer, minus the thousand degree weather. I'm looking forward to hiking and going on some adventures this year. 'Tis the season.

How can you be anxious for nothing when you're anxious for everything?

2009-04-16T21:56:00.000-07:00

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to pretend that I'm happy when I'm not. I don't want to pretend that things aren't bothering me when, in fact, they are. Why am I so easily provoked? Why do I let silly things get the best of me? Why can't I just live peaceably? I've been consumed with angst since 4 o'clock this afternoon. It hit me like a slug to the chest. Didn't I just read Philippians 4:6-7 last night? Wasn't I just reminded to "be anxious for nothing, but in everything, through prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace that surpasses ALL understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Amen."

Guard my heart, Lord. Flood me with peace. Please please please take away these feelings of anguish, confusion, frustration and jealousy. Give me your heart for this situation and any others that will arise.

Lord, You are bigger than ALL of this. You say to meditate on things that are good and true and noble and praiseworthy - and I want to, but I need Your help.

From the depths of my soul to the heights of heaven

2009-04-12T12:31:00.000-07:00

I went hiking through the Redwoods with my dad yesterday. I sometimes forget how truly magnanimous and breath-taking the towering trees can be, but I was reminded as we meandered along the trail that wove through dense forest and past the gurgling stream. If I could simplify my life, sell all I own, and live amongst the rolling hills and brush-laden forests,if I could survive away from society's harsh existence - the reality that things are ever-changing and will never be the same, if I could wash my clothes in the river and warm myself by a campfire every night and sleep under the stars, I would drop this facade of happiness - the hustle of the 9 to 5 workweek - in a heartbeat. I would pursue passions and dreams I never thought possible.

What is holding me back? Why do I let fear rule and reign in my life? God is SO much bigger than EVERYTHING. He created the hills and the trees, the oceans and the prairies. He created ME. He designed my heart. He gave me dreams and desires, hope and ambitions. He WILL be faithful to complete the good work He started doing in my life. He knows what makes me joyful and giddy; he knows what puts a smile on my heart and causes laughter to erupt from the depths of my soul.

Has anyone else ever loved me so much? Is it possible that anyone ever could or will? Even if it is my lot in my life to be single - I will live a life of passion. The maker of the universe has breathed life into me. Nothing can hold me back. There's a reason I am where I am at. God put me here - I will accomplish His will.

Stuck in a rut

2009-03-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

One of my coworkers told me I need a hobby. Apparently daydreaming does not count. She recommended bird watching, which I quickly declined. Then she asked what kinds of things I like to do. I feel like it's been so long since I've had a hobby that I didn't know what to tell her.

I used to play the guitar daily. I used to draw people pictures and write stories for my friends. I used to drive around, simply to take in the beauty of Ashland and the countryside bordering Talent and Phoenix.

I used to hope. I used to dream. I used to imagine things as they could be. Now I just exist; I get by. There's nothing unique about me. I wake up in the morning, check my e-mail, shower, spend 8 hours working and feeling like I could be doing something more challenging/interesting/creative, occasionally work out, go to church, hang out with friends when time allows. There's no passion in my life. I spend my life going and doing, yet I seem to find myself discontent and bored.

I want to feel passionate about pursuing something I love. I want to find joy in creating, imagining, writing. I want to be exciting. I want to be fun.

How come a year ago at this time, all I wanted was to be working a steady monday through friday, 9 to 5 job w/ weekends off? Now that I have what I thought I wanted, I'm disappointed.

What I really want is to run through a meadow with the wind blowing my hair and the sun warming me to the deepest part of my soul. I want to float in a canoe across a lake. I want to build a campfire and feast on hot dogs and s'mores.

I want to run away. I've never done anything daring or adventurous in my life and I feel that it's high time I took some chances and stopped playing so safe. I don't think God created us to live monotonous lives.

Just friends

2009-03-15T22:08:00.001-07:00

Why isn't this getting any easier? Why do I feel as though the distance is creeping in on me, reminding me that we are only going to continue to grow farther apart?

To everything there is a season

2009-02-22T21:25:00.001-08:00

I seem to be entering into a season of change, so I thought, why not take inventory of all of the things I've always wanted to, but never have - I shall aptly call them: goals. Sound the trumpets!

1. Become outdoorsy: I want to do it all - go backpacking, pee in the woods, not shower for days, bathe in a lake, pitch a tent, cook food over a campfire, roast marshmallows, sleep under the stars

2. Not be afraid to meet new people/reconnect with acquaintences: My least favorite part of being human is establishing connections with complete strangers. I want to shed this fear, this insecurity. I want to love with all my heart and not be so introverted and awkward when talking to people I don't know very well.

3. Travel: Colorado, Montana, Canada, the Greek Isles, Switzerland. I want to go somewhere. I'm ready for an adventure outside the great state of Oregon. Don't get me wrong, I do love Oregon, but I am ready for a change of scenery. Along with travelling...

4. Establish a savings account that has funds in it for more than 2 months: Do I really need to say more?

5. I want to play my guitar and sing at an open mic. I want to write songs that don't rhyme. I want to not be nervous playing music in front of people other than my roommates. I want to expand my guitar-playing skills as well as my vocal abilities.

Winter

2009-02-15T21:46:00.001-08:00

It's cold here. Really cold. The kind of cold that makes you want to put on a parka and cuddle by the fire until the middle of summer.

The heat is not on and hasn't been for days. It will probably stay this way until the beginning of next winter when the wind starts howling and the rain starts pounding on the roof overhead. The roof that has spent many a winter sheltering you from the elements; it can protect you from the rain, but it could never keep you safe from the storm that's raging in your mind or the bitterness that's brewing in your heart.

Your aching to push back the curtains and let His love shine in - let the warmth radiate to the depths of your weary, wounded soul. But you fight it.

It doesn't have to be this way - you with your calloused heart, pushing people away. Let love have it's way. Allow the Lord to shower you with the blessing, peace and comfort that only He can give.

Step out on the line. Take some risks, some dares, some chances. Fall into the arms of the One that loved and knew you before time began. His mercy will meet you where you are. Allow the Lord to move in your life. Allow Him to redecorate with peace, kindness, gentleness, longsuffering, joy, love, beauty, faith, hope and so much more.

Be it what you will, this is what it is.

2009-01-18T21:41:00.000-08:00

She waited. Patiently. Fervently praying that God would guide her every move, direct her steps in such a way that would bring glory to the maker of the heavens and the earth. In all she did, her aim way to honor Him, the one she loved, the one worth waiting for.

He was perfect. Full of radiant life and love, He embodied the humbleness of a man who would find himself dead on a cross, only to be raised three days later - to silence all our unbelief, to wash away all our sins.

She found herself at His feet, the only place she felt she belonged. Where else could she go? No one would understand. No one knew her heart's desires like He did. No one treated her with such passion and grace. He made her feel worthy, beautiful, loved.

The love of Christ compelled her to extend grace, to spread joy and love to everyone she came into contact with. It was not easy. At times it seemed impossible. But she knew this is what she was called to do. This was her purpose.

2008-12-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

He said there’s hope. Like the first flower to bloom in the spring, a gentle reminder that life is on its way. She could not see herself with any one else. Although she tried, yours was the face she always came back to.

This not failure, rather a means to succeed.

He has the big picture hanging on his wall. She only has a few remnants of puzzle pieces with which to judge this circumstance by. She see the days, weeks, and months. He sees eternity. An eternity in which he thinks about her every minute. But with these thoughts come hope and pleasant expectation. What will be, will be.

Until then, my love, you’re my favorite part of every day. Dreaming of you passes the time and eases the frustration caused by the subtle distance - the reality that you’re only a few breaths away.

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers

2008-08-28T22:44:00.000-07:00

I say, if you haven't seen it and even if you have, go watch Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.

Love. Is. Enough.

2008-08-12T22:22:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago, I looked up the word testimony. Some of the definitions I read were “evidence in support of a fact or assertion” and “a public declaration regarding a religious experience.”
So where does this leave my testimony? Do I even have a testimony? Or do we just misuse the word in lieu of story?

Most likely, if I were to share my testimony, it would be in a church-like setting, surrounded by other christians. Yet I truly believe that a testimony is a testimony, whether a person is christian or not. So if my testimony is that God is my savior, the reason I live, my strength when I am weak – then I need to be declaring this at all times, not just in the safety of the church.

I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for God, but then, none of us do. It’s by the Lord’s grace that I am saved. It’s by His love that I am changed everyday, aiming to become more like Him. It’s by His faithfulness that I am not some bitter old hag drinking away my sorrows.

Dec 29, 2007 is when my life changed. I’ve never heard the Lord’s voice more clear than I did that night. I was worried that my Christian friends would think I was silly for rededicating my life to the Lord and getting baptized. After all, I’ve been serving in the church for years and worshipping the Lord for even longer. How could I, the girl who’d been saved since age 10, not be saved? Altar calls were for “other” people. Rededication was always for someone else. I was already “saved” and I definitely did my share of serving in the church – worship team, high school youth group, children’s church, coffee shop ministry, mission trips, volunteering. Little did I know, I was serving my pride, feeding my ego, convincing myself that I was “doing everything heartily unto the Lord.” But I wasn’t. Everything I’ve ever done has been because I wanted to do it, or because it was the “cool” thing to do.
Cool is not enough. Love is. Unfortunately, love is something I was lacking.

How could I have been serving God for all those years, yet still have a hardened heart toward the people I supposedly was serving? The biggest thing I struggle with is judging rather than loving. I struggle with pride and at the same time, insecurity (but not so much anymore).

Needless to say, God was calling me to rededicate my life. And by obeying His sweet words, my life is being totally blessed and I’m already starting to grow. I’m willing to change, I’m ready to let the Lord’s love pour in and out of me, as He see fits.

So this is my testimony: God is good, amazingly good. So good that we can’t even comprehend it. And He loves us more than we’ll ever be able to fathom. Who wouldn’t want a love like that?

And although “growing pains” are often uncomfortable, they’re simply shaping us into who the Lord wants us to be.

Oh Happy Day!

2008-08-12T22:16:00.001-07:00

I shouldn’t have to hide in my own house. I shouldn’t be accosted when walking through my front door. I shouldn’t have to spend hours listening to a travelling vacuum salesman drone on and on about the Kirby 5000.
But I am hiding. I was accosted. And according to my clock, it’s been almost 2 hours since Vacuum Boy and his fearless leader, Crooked Teeth, entered my house – and it looks like they’re not in any hurry to leave.
This is a short story waiting to be written.

Amy arrived home around 1 in the afternoon only to be greeted by two travelling vacuum salesmen whom had already made themselves a little too comfortable in her home. As she walked through the open front door, a man with astonishingly crooked teeth and a conniving smile extended his hand and boldly declared, “You have really nice carpet. But if you’re going to be buying this house, you need a good vacuum to make sure all the unwanted dirt gets removed. This is really expensive carpet, probably the best out there.”

Amy, confused and annoyed that Crooked Teeth and his sidekick, Vacuum Boy, had taken over her living room, sent a questioning glance toward her roommates direction. Her roommate, the innocent victim in this sad, sad story, smiled and said, “I already told them we weren’t going to buy a vacuum, but they insisted on demonstrating anyways,” she paused. “At least we’ll have a clean carpet.”
True, Amy thought, but she wasn’t convinced that this was such a good idea. Amy is rather skeptical when it comes to salesmen, especially cheesy ones who insist they are “not salesmen.”

“I’m not a salesman,” said Vacuum Boy, the one doing the dirty work. “I’m just trying to change lives and help people live and breathe healthier.” As he was saying this, he was removing pods of dirt from the vacuum and placing them in random locations around the house, specifically, Amy’s desk.
“I’d prefer if you don’t put your dirt piles on my desk. I have allergies and I really don’t want that stuff on my stuff.”
“Well,” piped VB, “I have to save all this to show my boss.”
“Why would your boss need to see this? I don’t get it.”
“He just does.”

At this point, Amy was even more leery of the two creeper salesmen lurking around her house, so she opted to hide out in her bedroom and let the valiant (and tactful) Chelsey deal with the men. Although Amy is easily annoyed, she’s also extremely nosy and curious. Eavesdropping is definitely her thing – along with interrupting other people’s conversations. It’s just something she’s good at.
This would make a great blog, Amy told herself. Thus she began typing the blog to end all blogs. Or at least the blog to distract her from what was really going on in her house.

“Holy cow. Get out of my freaking house. They’ve been here for over 2 hours. These are the most annoying men I have ever come into contact with. Thankfully Chels is good at holding her own, otherwise I’d have to go out there and set these swindlers straight. But for now, I’m hiding out in my room.
How many times does she have to tell him she doesn’t want to buy the Kirby vacuum?
Sounds like Vacuum Boy is an aspiring firefighter. Apparently scamming people out of ridiculous amounts of money is not a fulfilling career. Now he’s playing the sympathy card. I don’t think Chels is going to lose any sleep knowing that VB doesn’t own a Kirby because he can’t afford one, even with his employee discount.
“Doggone money,” said an apathetic Chelsey, “Wish it grew on trees.” Her words were dripping with disdain.”

Just when Amy thought it couldn’t get any worse, ol’ Crooked Teeth came back. Since VB couldn’t sell Chels a vacuum, CT figured he had a better shot. Wrong.
This guy is driving me bananas, Amy thought. And I’m not even in the same stinkin’ room. I can’t sit here and let Chels be harassed by dumb and dumber any longer.
With that, Amy made her way to the kitchen to put a cup in the dishwasher, a mere excuse to walk by CT and give him the eye.

“And what do you think of all this, maam?” questioned Crooked Teeth, a cheesy grin slathered on his face.

Amy knew what she had to do. It was now or never. No more cowering behind closed doors. No more blogging about what she wished she would have done. It was time to live in the present.

“I think that you are really annoying. You’ve been here for way too long and you’re really obnoxious. That’s what I think.”

From there, Chels took care of ridding the ABC house of its evil pursuers. Now the ABC’s can live happily-ever-after, knowing that they have the cleanest carpet this side of Wal*Mart.

Goodbye Medical Records; hello Telephone Receptionista Extraordinaire!

2008-07-31T22:17:00.000-07:00

Well MR, it was short-lived. Two weeks to be exact. Can't say that I'll miss you or your charts that never seem to be where they belong or standing for 8 hours. So this is it. Our parting of ways. Until we meet again.

***

I got offered a new position at work. Praise the Lord. I'm going to be training on the front lines (aka answering phones). Normally, I'm not a phone person. But in a professional sense, I thoroughly enjoy answering phones and helping customers. This is a little humorous because a few months ago I interviewed at a staffing agency and the lady told me that since I didn't like to talk on the phone, socially, that she probably wouldn't be able to find me a job that I would enjoy or be good at. Hey Crazy Lady, look at me now!

I'm pretty excited - partially because now I'll be able to sit down and also because I'm going to get to learn and use my brain. I asked S (the administrator) if there are any books or pamphlets I could read to start familiarizing myself with the position, the company as a whole, and the body (in relation to our practice) since I know almost nothing about all of the above. She was rather impressed and even said, "If more people were like you and wanted to read outside of work, this office would run a lot smoother."

On another note, tomorrow I'm driving to Coos Bay to visit my Chelsey and her new apartment. She's only been gone a week, but it's already a little strange without her here. Chelsey, come back! [Chels, if you're reading this, don't actually come back. You need to stay put and allow the Lord to use you to bless your students, coworkers, neighbors, friends, baristas, landlords, etc. As much as Brook and I miss you, I believe the Lord is going to do some pretty rockin' things through you this year.]

Maybe there's more to it than I realized

2008-07-30T22:57:00.001-07:00

Minesweeper might quite possibly be the new of love of my life. I just learned how to play. How, you're asking, did I just learn to play Minesweeper when it's been around since Dinosaurs roamed the earth?

Around this time last week, I was sitting in my living room when I got the notion to play Minesweeper, just for kicks. All of a sudden, I had an epiphany - and the purpose of the game became more clear than a lot of things in life. Less than 24 hours ago, I had no clue as to what the numbers in the little squares meant, yet suddenly I was transformed into a Minesweeper-playing machine. And I was good. Really good. Good enough to win a few times in a row.

This has been happening a lot lately - these revelations of sorts. Today I was at our morning meeting at work, when I finally realized that PCP stands for Primary Care Physician.

I think God doesn't want us to be overwhelmed with information, so He only gives us what we can handle. And He occasionally surprises us with new information. That or I'm just really naive and it takes me a lot longer to learn things than everyone else. But I'll stick with the former and take these blessings as they come my way.

Moving on

2008-07-09T22:43:00.000-07:00

Today was my magical second day at OSS. I did what I'm best at: filing. Could this job get any better?

About an hour and a half into my work day (which would only prove to be 2.5 hours since I'd already worked 6.25 at the coffee shop), the official boss (S) called me into her office. After asking me about myself, she said something to the effect of: "I think you are highly overqualified for this position." Me? Overqualified for searching for folders and filing papers? No one has ever thought this highly of my qualifications before. Note the sarcasm.

While I agree with her, I love the idea of working monday through friday and being off no later than 5pm. However, I also am concerned that I may get bored.

So S then asks me if I've ever thought about being a Medical Assistant. Ha! Have I ever thought about being a Medical Assistant? I can barely assist myself with my own medical problems (ie. paper cuts, broken fingernails, etc), how on earth would I be able to assist with staples being removed or veins being injected?

Basically what the Medical Assistant position consists of is bringing the patients to their proper rooms, checking blood pressure, height, weight, asking appropriate questions as to what is ailing the patient and giving the doctor a brief synopsis so that they have some idea what is going on when they see the patient. The MA's also assist with post-op stuff, like handing things to doctors.

After much thought, I'd really like to pursue an MA position, but I'm also willing to do just about anything that doesn't involve making coffee or folding clothes. I'm ready to be challenged and I welcome the opportunity to learn and grow as a person.

So for now I'm just waiting to hear back from OSS as to what they've decided to do with me.

Colorado on my mind

2008-06-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

Snow-covered mountains
Are filling my mind
Dreams of forever
Just passing the time
Watching the sunrise
Being with you
I know we can get there
If this love is true

I want to go there
I want to sing
Fields of forever
Endless flowing streams
Pack up all that we know
Leave it all behind
I know we can get there
If we drive all night

The sun will be rising
As the stars disappear
Echoes of memories
The view is so clear

This is where we belong
This is where we belong

Everyone else is doing it...

2008-05-28T15:40:00.000-07:00

I'm extremely envious of the people writing travel blogs. Oh, how I long to pack my bags, fill up my gas tank, and head out on the open road (and blog about all my exciting, scary, random adventures).

First I would head to Colorado to visit Garden of the Gods among all the other beautiful places Colorado has to offer. Next I'd head north to Montana where my friend Amanda will soon by residing. After experiencing the glory and splendor of the mountainous region of the western United States, I'd suffer through fields of corn and wheat while making the trek to New York to visit Brianna. I couldn't make a trip to the East without seeing New England in the fall. It just wouldn't be right.

Canada would be next on my list. My recent fascination with researching places to visit has led me to discover Banff National Park - a sight which I soon hope to see.

Enough already

2008-05-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

This rain is doing nothing for my already dampened mood. The fog has choked out the sun and inevitably, also my optimism. I could sit here and think of a million things I could be, I should be, doing, but instead I'll choose to spend my time on idle daydreams.

I'm wasting away along with the $40,000 my parents donated to the university that did nothing to further my career.

I work at a coffee shop and a children's clothing store. My life amounts to waking up ridiculously early to serve coffee and espresso to overly-pompous, ungrateful people and staying up late to straighten clothes that will soon be unfolded the next morning by careless customers. I find no joy in this.

2008-04-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of sitting back and waiting for good things to come my way. I'm tired of lacking the confidence to pursue my dreams. I'm tired of watching everyone else get what I want and deserve.

It's not wrong to have ambition. It's not wrong to have goals. It's not wrong to strive for something better, something more enjoyable, something I've wanted for a long time, but been too afraid to pursue.

God gave me hopes and dreams and desires. He perfectly designed my heart, body and soul. He instilled in me unique hobbies and interests. He doesn't want me to settle for second best. He wants me to be happy, ecstatic and full of joy. He doesn't want my life to be a rut. He wants to be my life. He wants to be all that I long and desire for. He wants to be on the forefront of my mind from the moment I awake to the minute my eyes close as I drift off to a peaceful sleep. He wants to be my everything. He is everything.

I can't do God justice by just barely getting by. I can't just slide through life, hoping for the best. I need to be all that I can be in Christ. He is so much greater than anything this world has to offer.

Out here

2008-04-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

I feel closer to you out here. Among the gentle breeze, the crisp springtime air, the view of the snow-covered hills. Winter’s putting up a fight this year. And so am I. I’m not ready to give into the truth that summer brings. With the melting of the snow and the blossoming of the trees, we said our goodbyes, both of us fighting back tears. You pulled out of my driveway and drove off into the vastness of the world outside of the one we used to know. Adventure awaits you, new life awaits you. But I’m still here.

From this hill I can see the entire valley. The people go about their day as if this is all there is. But I know better. My heart tells me there is more than the tedious hustle and bustle of the 9-5 workweek. My soul craves for something more than this monotonous excuse for life.

I want to live, really live. I want to bask in the warmth and beauty of the sun. I want to go horseback riding, canoeing, rock climbing, hiking. I want to fall asleep under the star-studded sky and dream about the adventures the next day will bring.

I want to be a writer

2008-04-24T11:21:00.000-07:00

I want to be a writer. I want to conjure the short stories that you overanalyze in your American literature class. I want to pen the daily (I’ll settle for weekly) humor column in the newspaper that makes you laugh so hard your eyes start to water. And when your eyes water for other reasons, like death or failure, sickness or a brokenheart, I want to create the greeting card that warms your heart and puts hope back in your soul.

For Brianna

2008-04-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I've ever missed anyone the way I'm already missing you. The lump in my throat is a sad complement to the tears streaming down my freckled face and the seemingly gigantic hole in my heart. You friendship is one that can not be matched by others.

I'll sit here, conjuring up memories we've made, if it takes all afternoon. Iced non-fat lattes remind me of you. Walking through the park reminds me of you. Old Navy puffy vests remind me of you.

Promise me that after you've driven halfway across the country, after the endless stretch of miles, after the rest stops and roadside hotels, after the Rocky Mountains are merely an insignificant speck in the rearview mirror of your silver Subaru and all that lies ahead of you are fields of wheat and corn - promise me you'll remember me.

2008-04-21T22:24:00.001-07:00

There's a jar of peanut butter sitting on the corner of my desk, but somehow that just doesn't comfort me tonight.

Your voice is the one I want to hear. Speak loudly, clearly into my life. Tell me that this is where you want me. Reassure me that this transitional season is okay. Because right now, this is where I am. Complacent. Dry. Empty. But I know You have something greater than all this in store.

Back on my soapbox...

2008-04-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

Maybe I'm taking this to the extreme, but aren't we called to be radical for Christ's sake (and maybe as well as our own?) If anything causes us to lust, shouldn't we flee from it?
2 Timothy 2:22 says to "flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart."

When I think of lust, I don't just think sexual. Lust can be anything that causes us to want, desire, need, crave, etc. Lust can be anything that takes away from our relationship with the Lord.

Sexual lust, however, is a HUGE deal. Not just for dudes. Guys and girls may think in different capacities, but how is me thinking about sex any different than you? Maybe dudes think more graphically, but sex is what it is.

I'm not a guy (no surprise there), so I don't understand exactly what goes on in guys minds. I do know that, for me, realizing that men really really struggle with stimulating visuals (such as scantily-clad seductive beautiful women) makes me feel awkward, in the sense that I'm never going to be a Victoria's Secret supermodel. This leads me to classify myself as “not very pretty, flawed, insecure, out-of-shape.”

It's an interesting dichotomy, because:
a) As strange as it may sound, I totally want to be the hot girl walking down the street that catches every mans attention. I want to wear the short mini skirts and have all the boys gawking over my sleek, smooth legs. Etc.
b) I'm so overly creeped out at the idea that a man could possibly look at me and somehow link his thoughts to sex. Don’t guys realize there’s more to a woman than her body? Don’t men realize that women want to be valued for who they are and not what they look like, naked or not?

Realizing that we (women) are being judged by our bodies, leaves us feeling insecure. Which makes us not much fun to be around because that’s when we start to focus solely on our flaws (freckles, acne, crooked noses, big booties, no booties, flabby stomachs, flat chests, large feet, hairy arms, facial hair, yellow teeth, crooked teeth, missing teeth, scars). When we focus on ourselves, we’re not able to focus on you (men). We’re not able to be as effective as we should because we’re so busy being insecure and worrying about how you probably spent the majority of the day checking out more perfect-looking women.

This thought-process almost forces women to be something they’re not. Should I spend more time getting ready in the morning so I can look good for you? Should I join the YMCA and stop eating so that I can someday achieve the picture-perfect physique? Should I spend gazillions of dollars on surgeries to enhance my breasts, straighten my nose, exfoliate my face, remove the fat from my stomach, purchase expensive makeup, wax my eyebrows, legs and arms?

Why can’t I be beautiful the way I am? Why can’t I be sexy with my oversized sweatshirt, jeans, and Old Navy flip flops? Why can’t you fall in love with the nice Christian girl, playing her guitar and praising the Lord? Why don’t you daydream about the quiet girl in the coffee shop who sips her mocha while studying the bible?

Why do I have to be flashy and fleshy, freaky and fake for you to notice me?

I can’t be something I’m not. I won’t be.

What I’m really trying to say is: let’s throw away the televisions, tear down the billboards,and silence the misleading masses that are telling us we need to be something we’re not.

This is a team effort. Men and women need to rebel against the norms. Fight your addictions. Flee youthful (and adult) lusts. Stop justifying sin. It is what it is. “But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:28-29)

I’m not writing this to condemn you because the Lord knows I’ve done my share of lusting. Realize this: We all struggle with lust in some capacity. It's what we do with the temptations. Are we asking God to remove them? Are we confessing our struggles to a fellow believer so they can hold us accountable?

Even the distance reminds me of you

2008-03-05T22:34:00.000-08:00

Even these shirts remind me of you. The colors. The sizes. The semi-permanent creases from having been folded too long, worn only once.

I'll pack my bags, in anticipation, and make a checklist of things that need to be done but probably never will.

This is where I'm going. Even this unfamiliarity reminds me of you.

Maybe I'll find you here. Boston in the fall. A sight I hope to see this year.

You can meet me at the station, then we'll walk, side-by-side toward the cacaphony of autumns colors, leaves crunching underfoot, hearts entangled in two lives that shall never be. One.

"Your sweet mercy, is the air I want to breathe"

2007-12-16T23:37:00.001-08:00

I feel it. This peace washing over me. This longing for the future, but at the same time resting in the present, living in the here and now, smiling sly(ly) because God has subtly been giving me glimpses of an amazing future.

I can't wait to fall in love. I can't wait to feel your strong arms embracing me, holding me, protecting me. I can't wait to surrender this sarcastic facade, this sometimes-dry-sense-of-humor, these fears and insecurities. I can't wait to trade them in for new life that you have promised.

To throw myself, completely, at your mercy. To sit at your feet and be showered with grace and love, with truth and mercy. To watch the sunrise over distant hills, illuminating forests and rivers and fields of wildflowers.

To stay like this, knowing, believing, that this is what the Lord had in mind from the beginning of time. Time will cease to exist in the presence of the one I love.

To only have eyes for you. To see you in everything. To spend time with you in the morning, over a cup of coffee, getting to know the little details that make you unique, the little details that add up to make you simply astounding. To memorize the lines on your face.

To think that you were made for me. You were made so that I could live. So that I might have eternal life. Abundant life. A purpose-driven life.

You were made so that I could live. Truly live.

I was made so that I could love you. I was made so that the world could see your love through me, in my life, revurberating from my thoughts and actions, echoing in canyons and valleys, dancing through fields and prairies, howling with the wintery coastal wind.

To wake up every morning with a smile on my face. Knowing that I can spend the whole day with you. Because you're everywhere. You're everywhere I've been and everywhere I want to be. You're everwhere I'm going and even in places I'll never be.

Your sweet mercy, is the air I want to breathe.

Amen.

"I love anonymity and I love being noticed, just the same as everybody else."

2007-11-05T19:05:00.001-08:00

Oh, Caedmon's Call. Your lyrics move me like a gust of Northern coastal California wind. I'm pretty sure I would be a positive addition to your already incredibly gifted band. I would hop on your bandwagon anyday. Backup singer, anyone?

"But ya know I know better, I'm not gonna worry 'bout nothin'.
if the birds and the flowers survive, then I'll make it okay.
Given a chance and a rock; see which one breaks a window.
See which one keeps me up all night and into the day.

Because I'm so scared of being alone
That I forget what house I live in.
But it's not my job to wait by the phone
For him to call.

Well this day's been crazy, but everything's happened on schedule,
from the rain and the coldTo the drink that I spilled on my shirt.
'Cause You knew how You'd save me before I fell dead in the garden,
And You knew this day long before You made me out of dirt.

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace, just to get me to sleep"

Ice cream and unrequited love

2007-09-11T22:16:00.001-07:00

I'm eating ice cream and thinking of you. I could stay this way all night if you could promise me things will stay the same. Why is it that we speak in codes? Are we afraid of the things we want to say, but never will? Are we afraid that there might be more to us than we're ready to admit?